100 Days of Grief

"Setting boundaries is a way of caring for myself.  It doesn't make me mean, selfish, or uncaring because I don't do things your way.  I care about me too." -Christine Morgan I'm not feeling very well tonight so I'm expecting this blog to be short.  It seems the nights of not sleeping have caught up with my immune system.   Tonight's chapter is about setting boundaries.  I have always always always struggled with this.  I am a people pleaser.  I want people to be happy and a lot of times I do that in expense of my own happiness.  I feel like if it makes someone else happy I should do it.  But going through this has really taught me to set boundaries which is hard to do when you're exhausted. I can say that at first I didn't set boundaries.  I didn't say no.  I didn't do what was best for me and my family.  I did what I thought was expected of me.  I still remember one day going to return a vacuum to a...

" Friendship isn't about who you've known the longest.   It's about who came and never left your side." -Unknown I've made it half way.  Technically I'm farther away than 100 days from when I lost Hope but in terms of the book I'm half way.  I've really enjoyed going through these prompts and I've enjoyed the time it's given me to reflect on what I'm feeling each day.  There are days that I pick a day and read through what I was experiencing and it's been humbling to see where I was and how it's going now.  I definitely feel like I've learned a lot but more than that I've realized that no matter how far away I get from losing Hope that same ache is still there.  It doesn't take over all my emotions like it did before but it's still present.   I've also realized that there are still days that are incredibly hard.  I feel like on my journey it's one step forward two steps back.  Some days every...

"Obstacles can't stop you.  Problems can't stop you.  Most of all, other people can't stop you.  Only you can stop you." - J. Gitomer I really liked the quote above.  If you think about it most times it's you who gets in your own way of completing or finishing things that are important to you.  This blog has been difficult for me.  Ever since I got feedback about it from different people I feel like I can't be 100% honest about my feelings and thoughts.  I think about every word and every sentence that I put down on this screen because I'm now worried how it will be perceived.  And it's exhausting.  So instead of working through that I've avoided this blog.  Which has made it harder for me to work through my feelings lately and it makes it harder for me to get through the days.  But it's me who is the one that's really stopping me.  I can choose not to let others words effect my writing.   But I guess I'm jus...

"My life is about ups and downs, great joys and great losses." -Isabel Allende I went and spent part of my day with a good friend today.  We talked about our losses and the hard things we've faced.  I really do feel like during the everyday life I'm okay, but then the moment I sit down and someone asks me how I'm doing I still realize that this is still painful and hard for me.  I still have things that I'm struggling with.  I can't seem to be okay with the idea that I'm done having children.  I'm not okay with fact that everything was going "right" and I still lost Hope.  I still struggle understanding why God told me to have hope and that through Him all things are possible.  It's still hard to think of what I went through and feel at peace about it.  I know I've learned a lot and I think I've become a better person because of it but sometimes I wonder was this the only way to learn those lessons? My friend aske...

"Ceremony helps you know what to do when you don't know what to do." -Unknown The last couple days I haven't wanted to blog.  I've kind of been struggling this last week.  I feel like I've gone back to the person I was before Hope.  I feel more lazy, more grumpy about doing my to-do list, more prone to anger.  It's been frustrating.  I keep trying to fight against it but it's kind of exhausting.  I'm struggling with my scripture study, I'm struggling with my prayers.  I find myself wanting to just shut myself in a book or something to avoid everything.  Did I mention I'm super grumpy too? I'm trying to get out of it though.  I still make the lists.  I keep reading my scriptures.  I try to pray.  I've kept running but I'm hating it.  It all feels like an up hill battle.  I'm just hoping if I keep pushing through and doing the best I can eventually that motivation will come back.  That gratitude will c...

"Grief shared is grief diminished." -Rabbi Earl Grollman  As I was reading through this chapter I literally wish I could copy it onto this page.  Every part I read was a resounding yes in my mind.  Instead of doing that and plagiarizing the book I will just quote some of my favorite things he mentioned. "To love and feel attached to another living being is to one day mourn." It hit me so hard after reading this line.  The grief that I'm feeling now I will probably feel again.  Maybe not to losing a baby or a child but a husband, or a parent or a sibling.  I will have to go through grief and mourning again at some point in my life.  Or maybe others will have to grieve over me first.  It feels me with a little bit of dread to know I'm going to have to go through this again but at the same time I feel empowered that I made it through this and things are okay.  It gives me hope that when I go through it again, I know it will get ...

"Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you." -Robert Ebert There aren't many days that I get to actually talk to someone about my loss anymore.  Today I got to tell someone about my babies and instead of feeling pain or feeling like I was going to fall apart I felt happy to talk about it.  Actually talking to someone and telling them about what I've been through and how much I loved those babies felt so good to share.  It brought me joy instead of pain.  I did cry but it wasn't painful and something I wanted to pull away from.  It made me realize I want to talk about it more. I often feel like I shouldn't talk about it.  Like I'm annoying people by talking about my babies but this weekend I went down to my aunts and she was telling me about her little boy she lost.  I don't remember how old he was but it made me happy to hear that she was still talking about him.  I know that maybe my loss isn't as great ...