Day 47 of 100 Day of Grief and Hope

"Ceremony helps you know what to do when you don't know what to do."

-Unknown

The last couple days I haven't wanted to blog.  I've kind of been struggling this last week.  I feel like I've gone back to the person I was before Hope.  I feel more lazy, more grumpy about doing my to-do list, more prone to anger.  It's been frustrating.  I keep trying to fight against it but it's kind of exhausting.  I'm struggling with my scripture study, I'm struggling with my prayers.  I find myself wanting to just shut myself in a book or something to avoid everything.  Did I mention I'm super grumpy too?

I'm trying to get out of it though.  I still make the lists.  I keep reading my scriptures.  I try to pray.  I've kept running but I'm hating it.  It all feels like an up hill battle.  I'm just hoping if I keep pushing through and doing the best I can eventually that motivation will come back.  That gratitude will come back.  

Nick and I have decided to sell the van.  I've been pushing to get everything worked out so we can get it listed.  I told myself we needed to sell it to give us some financial freedom.  We will definitely be in a better spot financially after getting rid of a $350 a month payment.  That and it will help us start paying off some student loans and hopefully within a year we'll have most debts paid off.  

I took the car to the shop because it had a check engine light.  We got that fixed for $500.  I told myself if it got us to be able to sell it, it would be worth it.  I spent the last week cleaning and detailing the car.  And then the stupid gas cap error came back on on Friday.  I was so angry.  I was so anxious.  I couldn't get it out of my head.  I couldn't let it go.  Nick kept telling me that it would be fine, we'd get it fixed or maybe the gas cap was loose.  I told him that we couldn't get stuck with this van. 

I knew in my mind that it would be fine but it made me so anxious and angry and frustrated.  The next morning I woke up and Nick and I were talking.  He talked about how he needed to go get snipped and I just lost it.  I cried and cried and cried.  And I'm still crying thinking about it.  Finally last night I was able to express to him that the reason I was so upset about the van was because it's been a huge reminder that I can't fill that van.  I have two children and that's all I'll have.  I didn't want that constant reminder of my ability to have children.  I can't get stuck with the van.  And then when he mentioned having to get snipped it was again a reminder that I couldn't have kids anymore.  

Most days I feel like I'm okay with it, but I'm realizing I don't think I am really okay with it.  I just don't look at it.  But this stupid van is a blaring reminder.  And the reminder from Nick that we needed to make it all permanent is just too hard.  I know I need to work through this but I'm not sure how.  I know that I should be happy with the two children I have and that I have a different calling now but I'm still sad.  And I don't think I'll ever be okay with saying I'm done.  

Today's prompt is about creating a ceremony around your baby.  The prompt says: Talk to someone today about your ideas for a ceremony.

I have actually already thought of this.  I know that June 3 is going to be a rough day.  It was Hope's due date.  I've decided that I want to plan a tree that reminds me of her.  I decided that a few weeks after I lost her.  I wanted a tree that would flower during June which is actually pretty hard to find.  Most trees around here flower in early spring so June is pushing it.  

One day I was watching a show on Netflix about a girl who loved to design gardens and was creating a design for the Chelsea Garden Show.  She was one of the youngest competitors.  In that movie she created her whole design around the Hawthorne tree because it symbolized hope.  I found my tree.  Since then I've been trying to decide what type of Hawthorne tree to plan and where to plant it.  I initially didn't want one with thorns and I didn't want a tree with just white flowers but the more I've thought about it I want one with thorns and that has pure white beautiful flowers.  I wanted to keep the thorns to remind me with this beautiful tree that represents my beautiful Hope, it also comes the thorns of loss.  

So on June 3, I will be planting my hawthorne tree where I can see it with those that I love to remember my beautiful baby Hope.