Day 47 of 100 Day of Grief and Hope
"Ceremony helps you know what to do when you don't know what to do."
The last couple days I haven't wanted to blog. I've kind of been struggling this last week. I feel like I've gone back to the person I was before Hope. I feel more lazy, more grumpy about doing my to-do list, more prone to anger. It's been frustrating. I keep trying to fight against it but it's kind of exhausting. I'm struggling with my scripture study, I'm struggling with my prayers. I find myself wanting to just shut myself in a book or something to avoid everything. Did I mention I'm super grumpy too?
I'm trying to get out of it though. I still make the lists. I keep reading my scriptures. I try to pray. I've kept running but I'm hating it. It all feels like an up hill battle. I'm just hoping if I keep pushing through and doing the best I can eventually that motivation will come back. That gratitude will come back.
Nick and I have decided to sell the van. I've been pushing to get everything worked out so we can get it listed. I told myself we needed to sell it to give us some financial freedom. We will definitely be in a better spot financially after getting rid of a $350 a month payment. That and it will help us start paying off some student loans and hopefully within a year we'll have most debts paid off.
I took the car to the shop because it had a check engine light. We got that fixed for $500. I told myself if it got us to be able to sell it, it would be worth it. I spent the last week cleaning and detailing the car. And then the stupid gas cap error came back on on Friday. I was so angry. I was so anxious. I couldn't get it out of my head. I couldn't let it go. Nick kept telling me that it would be fine, we'd get it fixed or maybe the gas cap was loose. I told him that we couldn't get stuck with this van.
I knew in my mind that it would be fine but it made me so anxious and angry and frustrated. The next morning I woke up and Nick and I were talking. He talked about how he needed to go get snipped and I just lost it. I cried and cried and cried. And I'm still crying thinking about it. Finally last night I was able to express to him that the reason I was so upset about the van was because it's been a huge reminder that I can't fill that van. I have two children and that's all I'll have. I didn't want that constant reminder of my ability to have children. I can't get stuck with the van. And then when he mentioned having to get snipped it was again a reminder that I couldn't have kids anymore.
Most days I feel like I'm okay with it, but I'm realizing I don't think I am really okay with it. I just don't look at it. But this stupid van is a blaring reminder. And the reminder from Nick that we needed to make it all permanent is just too hard. I know I need to work through this but I'm not sure how. I know that I should be happy with the two children I have and that I have a different calling now but I'm still sad. And I don't think I'll ever be okay with saying I'm done.
Today's prompt is about creating a ceremony around your baby. The prompt says: Talk to someone today about your ideas for a ceremony.
I have actually already thought of this. I know that June 3 is going to be a rough day. It was Hope's due date. I've decided that I want to plan a tree that reminds me of her. I decided that a few weeks after I lost her. I wanted a tree that would flower during June which is actually pretty hard to find. Most trees around here flower in early spring so June is pushing it.
One day I was watching a show on Netflix about a girl who loved to design gardens and was creating a design for the Chelsea Garden Show. She was one of the youngest competitors. In that movie she created her whole design around the Hawthorne tree because it symbolized hope. I found my tree. Since then I've been trying to decide what type of Hawthorne tree to plan and where to plant it. I initially didn't want one with thorns and I didn't want a tree with just white flowers but the more I've thought about it I want one with thorns and that has pure white beautiful flowers. I wanted to keep the thorns to remind me with this beautiful tree that represents my beautiful Hope, it also comes the thorns of loss.
So on June 3, I will be planting my hawthorne tree where I can see it with those that I love to remember my beautiful baby Hope.