100 Days of Grief

"Here is the world.  Beautiful and terrible things will happen.  Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner I feel like that last post was kind of all over the place.  I'm having a hard time concentrating.  That is something I wasn't expecting.  Doing normal everyday things is hard.  I can't focus on things for very long and something I've done multiple times is incredibly difficult.  I remember there was one day that I was trying to give Hannah a shower.  I washed her hair and cleaned her body and got her out of the tub.  I told her to go get dressed and then I went and got in the shower myself.  I remember her trying to tell me something outside my bathroom and I couldn't hear her and I was so frustrated.  I got out of the shower and opened the door and yelled at her that I just needed five minutes to shower.  She looked up at me and said, "but mom my head itches."  I looked in her hair and I had forgotten to wash out the conditioner.

"An identity would seem to be arrived at by the way in which the person faces and uses his experience." -James Baldwin I was supposed to do this prompt yesterday but to be honest New Years Day was a bit hard for me for all the reasons I talked about in my previous post.  I stayed busy with my husband organizing random sections of the house.  Then I was able to go to a support group for people who have experienced infant loss, miscarriage, etc.  It was really helpful and I've been thinking about it all day today.  It was also really emotionally draining.  We all had such heavy hearts but I think everyone felt comforted that as we talked we all understood each other.   It was really refreshing to hear others express thoughts that I had that I've been scared to share with others because they sound crazy.  Thoughts like "I wish I had died with this baby."  I feel like anyone that hasn't felt this loss would think we were all suicidal.  But eve