Happy First Birthday Hope

When a child is born, it is the mother's instinct to protect the baby.   When a child dies, it is the mother's instinct to protect the memory.  Unknown Dear Hope, It was your birthday yesterday.  I was hoping to write your birthday letter then but things didn't turn out as I wanted them to and it was too hard.  At the end of the day I had a moment and I was at the store trying to pick out your birthday cake and it was so hard.  Would you like chocolate or vanilla? Should I get a big cake or a small cake? Would I have made you a cake?  I picked up some small little cupcakes with confetti for you and took them home to share with Henry and Hannah.  As I was driving home I was so sad because the day had not gone anything like I had hoped.  The year before it wasn't like I hoped and I realized that your birthdays will never be what I hope because you're not here with us celebrating.  I'm missing out on your smiles and smooshing cake between your fingers.  I missing o

It continues

"Grief is like the ocean, it comes on waves ebbing and flowing.  Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming.  All we can learn to do is swim." -Vicki Harrison I realize I haven't come to this blog in quite a while.  The last post I was angry and sad and I just didn't want to any part of grieving.  I always thought that grief was going through the steps and once you went through one, you went to the next and you didn't come back to the others.  I've learned that isn't true.  I have peace one moment, anger the next.  It isn't as jarring as it used to be but there are still some days where I cry.  There are days when I'm angry about all of it.  There are days that it doesn't seem real, it feels so far away.   Yesterday was a hard and something day.  I don't quite know the word to describe it.  Hopefully I can make my feelings make sense on this page.  Nick and I have been going back and forth on having more children.  It see


"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.” - William Shakespeare I've been dreading this day.  There have many days I wanted to come to this blog.  To write the feelings I was having but with everything going on it seemed like just too much to try and feel these feelings too.  I pushed them to the side.  Until things happened that made me see them.  Like when my neighbor had her baby.  Whenever Henry or Hannah talked about the baby that died.  When the wind blew my mementos of Hope on the floor and I had to go back and look through my pile of remembrances.   When the pandemic started I feel like I had to push the feelings of grief to the side.  I had to go into survival mode.  I became the teacher to Henry and Hannah, I grappled with the uncertainties of what our future would look like.  The same thing everyone else was feeling and I just couldn't deal with the grief on top of it so I pushed it to the side. Until t

Finding Hope #4

"Where flowers bloom so does hope." -Lady Bird Johnson I'm feeling a little guilty sitting down to write in the blog tonight.  I have much to do besides writing but this seems to be calling to me today.  Today has been spent mostly outdoors today taking care of the chickens, getting Harold the rooster comfy in his new home down by the ladies, turning the compost pile, and just enjoying the beautiful day.   Really today was filled with caring for some of the things I'm most grateful besides my family and friends.  I love my little chickens and Harold the rooster.  I took the cat to the vet today and I also cared for my little plants that are growing in my basement.  I love the time I get to spend with each of these things I care for.   When I was sick during my pregnancy I spent a lot of the time on the floor.  I'm not sure why but the floor made me less sick.  While laying on the floor next to my bed the cat was always right next to me.  She let m

Finding Hope #3

"It's all about finding the calm in the chaos." -Donna Karan I'm not gonna lie.  It's been difficult to get here.  The last couple days have been...turbulent.  I was seriously on cloud nine the last post and I felt great and optimistic.  Now, I still don't doubt that things are going to be okay, it's just the exhaustion of doing all the things wears on you.  I am enjoying it, but I'm tired and it's hard to keep giving when your bucket is empty. Since I've been teaching school to the kids I rarely get time to myself.  I haven't really got any consistent studying in the scriptures and my prayers have been spotty at best.  I can tell a difference.  I'm more snappy.  I'm easier to get upset and I just feel...not right.  I'm not sure what the word is to describe it.  I told a friend that I need to spend more time strengthening myself through prayer and scriptures because I'm not a good teacher and I'm not a good

Finding Hope #2

"May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears." -Nelson Mandela Today was an amazing day.  I have to be honest, I've been pretty nervous about the idea of having kids be home and doing school.  I knew that Henry wouldn't be getting as much as he would while at school even if his teacher assigns things.  And Hannah needs to be busy.  Her little brain is crazy smart and she does well when it's busy.  I was a little daunted with the idea of trying to teach Henry so he doesn't fall behind and trying to keep Hannah busy.   But today was amazing!  My mom sent me this schedule that she found from a scary mommy post that had a schedule set out for your kids.  Saturday I spent a good portion of the day trying to decide how to make that schedule work for us as well as what we should work on that went along with what Henry's teacher already had going.  It all came together and I was actually really excited to teach Henry about some of the things a

Finding Hope #1

"She walks by faith and dwells in hope." We live in crazy times!  A couple of blog entries ago I was so fearful and scared of everything was happening but honestly the last week I've felt nothing but peace.  It's been amazing.  I feel like this week I've felt the spirit so strongly.  It has been a huge blessing.  And I've seen so many blessing in my life.  I truly feel joyful in it.  I've been thinking over the last couple days about how lately I feel like I have to push myself to get here and sit down and open my book to write.  It hit me today that I needed to change something.  I love my grief book and I still open it from time to time but I'm no longer in that part of my grief.  Does that make sense?  I feel like I'm trying to force the thoughts and that doesn't feel natural or right to me.  It's hard to write about something that you aren't really feeling anymore. Having said that, I have loved sitting down and wri