Day 45 of 100 Days of Grief and Hope

"Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you."

-Robert Ebert

There aren't many days that I get to actually talk to someone about my loss anymore.  Today I got to tell someone about my babies and instead of feeling pain or feeling like I was going to fall apart I felt happy to talk about it.  Actually talking to someone and telling them about what I've been through and how much I loved those babies felt so good to share.  It brought me joy instead of pain.  I did cry but it wasn't painful and something I wanted to pull away from.  It made me realize I want to talk about it more.

I often feel like I shouldn't talk about it.  Like I'm annoying people by talking about my babies but this weekend I went down to my aunts and she was telling me about her little boy she lost.  I don't remember how old he was but it made me happy to hear that she was still talking about him.  I know that maybe my loss isn't as great at hers but I felt like it was good to see someone who had grieved and now spoke with joy about her little boy.  

I feel like lately I've been getting sucked back into the hussle and bussle of life.  I feel like I'm losing perspective again.  But I'm not sure how to step back.  I've been trying to focus on my scriptures and prayers but they feel empty lately.  I've prayed to see the Lord's hand in my life but I'm realizing that throughout the day I'm not looking for it.  

I also feel like the things I was doing to help me haven't felt quite right.  That and I've stopped a bunch.  I don't feel the urge to go and create.  I don't feel the urge to go exercise or do my yoga.  Even coming to this blog feels like more like a chore sometimes.  I'm not sure what changed.  But I wish I could go back to those days where there was so much more clarity.  I feel like right now I'm looking at a blur and trying to make sense of what everything is.  

It's funny to think that I wish I could go back to the moments of greatest pain and suffering but I felt things more keenly.  It felt more real.   Now it feels like I'm going through the motions.  Does that make any sense?  I almost feel like getting back to "normal" has been harmful.  The relationship I have with my kids isn't has grateful.  Before I felt like every moment with them was a blessing.  I do still feel that but the busy-ness makes it hard to stop and enjoy the little moments.  I catch myself doing things realizing that Hannah's been trying to talk to me for the last hour and I've been giving her the "uh-huh's, cool, great job, etc." without really ever listening to her.  

How do I go back to where things were simplified?  How do you find a balance of allowing time for exercise, reading, prayer, meditation, spending time with family, and then all the other every day things?  I feel like I'm craving that simpleness and the enjoyment I received from doing basic things like learning yoga or playing games with my kids.  

Today's chapter is talking about what I'm feeling right now.  It talks about how your emotions will be all over the place.  I still feel like they are insane some days but not like before.  Before it was exhausting all the emotions I felt.  I could go from being numb and disconnected to sobbing into my pillow the next.  Watching someone with a baby would leave me feeling upset and resentful and then overcome with sorrow.  

I often told people that I felt like a ticking time bomb and I was scared to do anything because of it.  I didn't want to be around people.  I didn't want to go to stores.  I didn't want to leave my house because I never knew what feelings would come to me.  I felt heartless as I talked about the death of my baby and wouldn't cry.  I felt guilt from all of it.  It was really hard but now it's not so exhausting. 

I remember on my first blog reading about that account of what grief was going to be like where the waves would drown you at first and you would barely catch your breath before being overcome by another wave of grief.  But then how the waves would come farther apart and in between them you would find life.  I feel like now the waves are very few and when they come they surprise me but the don't debilitate me.  Those waves do still hit though.  And those pangs of hurt and sadness are still there.  

Today's prompt is this:  Have your grief feelings surprised you?  Which ones have been the most unexpected for you?  Tell your partner or a friend about the surprising feelings and allow him to bear witness to your truth.

The most unexpected feelings for me were the anger.  I hate sitting with anger.  I hate feeling anger.  I don't like being upset with other people and I didn't expect to be angry at people that really had nothing to do with what I was going through.  It's still something I struggle with.  The other thing that surprised me was the deep depression.  I remember a couple weeks after I lost Hope I had a friend come over and ask me where I was emotionally.  I told her I was sad and she asked me if I was feeling depressed or hopeless.  I remember looking at her surprised that she would ask that.  I don't get depressed often and very rarely to the extent to where I can't fight out of it.  It just didn't click in my mind that I could get that depressed.  Sad, yes, but depressed?  It wasn't long after that where I realized her concern was very valid.  

I've also been surprised that I could find joy again.  It's really hard to think that things are going to get better.  When you're so enveloped by that grief it just doesn't seem possible that you can feel joy again.  How can you??  But I've found that you can find joy and that you appreciate it more because of what you've been through.  

Grief is messy.  But it's necessary and I feel like if you deal with it in healthy ways that grief which starts out as this ugly painful thing changes and blooms into this beautiful appreciation for the things that mean the most to you.