Day 48 of 100 Days of Grief and Hope

"My life is about ups and downs, great joys and great losses."

-Isabel Allende

I went and spent part of my day with a good friend today.  We talked about our losses and the hard things we've faced.  I really do feel like during the everyday life I'm okay, but then the moment I sit down and someone asks me how I'm doing I still realize that this is still painful and hard for me.  I still have things that I'm struggling with.  I can't seem to be okay with the idea that I'm done having children.  I'm not okay with fact that everything was going "right" and I still lost Hope.  I still struggle understanding why God told me to have hope and that through Him all things are possible.  It's still hard to think of what I went through and feel at peace about it.  I know I've learned a lot and I think I've become a better person because of it but sometimes I wonder was this the only way to learn those lessons?

My friend asked me what my biggest fears are right now.  I had to think about it but I think that they are still the contradicting feelings of being scared of getting pregnant again or not being able to get pregnant.  Both bring me fear.  I'm scared that I won't get pregnant again and I'll just have to live with this yearning and heartache that I won't get to have babies anymore.  And then there is the fear that if we try again I'll loose more babies.  I still feel like my body kills these babies and to try and get pregnant makes me fear that it will happen again.  

She asked which one I feared more and I don't think I can pick between the two.  But I'm going to have to face one or the other and right now I feel like I'm standing in the middle unable to choose.  Both paths are difficult and I don't want to do difficult.  But the choices need to be made soon.  And its complicated because it's not just me making the decision.  It's Nick and myself's and Nick has already made up his mind.  But I don't want to end up resenting Nick if we don't come to the same decision.  

Today's prompt is about acknowledging the multitude of losses.  When you lose a baby it's not just about losing a baby.  You lose a piece of yourself.  You were part of that baby and when that baby dies it feels like a part of you died too.  I'm not exactly sure how to explain it.  Part of my heart dies each time I lose another baby.  

I feel like I've also lost the innocence that makes you think everything will be okay.  I know everything will be okay in the eternal perspective but everything doesn't always turn out okay here.  You lose people you love.  When I was pregnant with Henry and Hannah it never crossed my mind that I would lose them.  In my mind when I found out I was pregnant I was already naming them and preparing their rooms.  I had no idea that at any moment they could be taken from me.  

I lost all my hopes for what our family would like in the future.  I grew up thinking I would have a big family.  After having Hannah I decided we should space the kids out a little because it was so hard having Henry and Hannah so close.  I often wonder if we had just kept having them as close as we did would we have more children?  I was looking forward to all the things I mentioned in my first post.  I'll miss out on breastfeeding.  I'll miss out on the cute baby smiles when their sleeping.  I'll miss out on all the firsts.  It's hard to be okay with.  

Today's prompt is this:  Name your many losses out loud to someone who is able to just sit and listen without trying to "make it better".  Describe openly and honestly the experiences you were most looking forward to with this baby that now cannot be.  Put words to the future experiences or events that you'll grieve because of your miscarriage.

As I was thinking about my favorite things I'll be missing the biggest thing I'll miss seeing is watching Henry and Hannah love on a younger sibling.  When I had Hannah, Henry was so little himself he couldn't really understand what was happening.  Now as they are older I want to see them hold and love on their baby brother or sister.  I want to see their happy faces when they see their new sister or brother for the first time.  

I will also miss seeing Nick holding a newborn baby.  I still remember watching Nick holding Henry and Hannah.  My love for him was overwhelming as I saw him care for and love those babies.  He has such an amazing ability to love others.  I wish I could make him be a daddy again.  He's amazing with Henry and Hannah but to watch him with something so little and innocent, there are no words.  

I will miss feeling a baby moving in my tummy.  It is the neatest most exciting feeling.  To know that you created life and you're body is caring for it's every need.  That it's safe in your womb.  But I've lost that too.  I've lost the feeling that my body is a safe place.  

I'll miss that moment in the hospital when you hear their first cry.  That incredibly special spiritual experience when another spirit enters this world.  And you get the privilege to love and care for it.  I'll miss holding that sweet spirit on my chest.  Being able to comfort he/she as they try to make sense of this new world.  

I'm going to miss all of it.  And I don't know how to be okay with the idea of not having those moments again.