Day 50 of 100 Days of Grief and Hope
"Friendship isn't about who you've known the longest. It's about who came and never left your side."
I've made it half way. Technically I'm farther away than 100 days from when I lost Hope but in terms of the book I'm half way. I've really enjoyed going through these prompts and I've enjoyed the time it's given me to reflect on what I'm feeling each day. There are days that I pick a day and read through what I was experiencing and it's been humbling to see where I was and how it's going now. I definitely feel like I've learned a lot but more than that I've realized that no matter how far away I get from losing Hope that same ache is still there. It doesn't take over all my emotions like it did before but it's still present.
I've also realized that there are still days that are incredibly hard. I feel like on my journey it's one step forward two steps back. Some days everything seems so clear and I'm able to have eternal perspective and others the grief just overwhelms me and I'm back to those pleading moments of asking "why?!" Why did I lose her? Why did I need to go through this. Why am I not able to have more children. It really is moving back and forth through my grief.
Today was a particularly hard day. I know this sounds crazy but because of all the craziness of the coronavirus I've kind of been thrown backward in my grieving. As I read about how its spreading at that there is a very real possibility of people I know or even my family getting it I worry. I know that for most people it will just be getting sick. But my Henry has asthma which is induced by sickness. When he gets sick his asthma gets really bad and if we don't get on top of it quickly he can end up in the emergency room because he can't breath.
Coronavirus specifically effects the lungs. So for me the idea that if Henry got this sickness it's a possibility I could lose him. Thinking of losing him throws me back to the feelings of loss I felt when I lost Hope. I find myself praying/begging the Lord to please spare Henry. Please don't make me lose him too. Please don't make me go through that again.
Last night it overwhelmed me to the point of not sleeping. The fear just gripped my heart and I couldn't seem to get through it. This morning a thought came to mind while taking the sacrament. Have faith not fear. I repeated it over and over in my mind. Have faith not fear. That thought helps remind me that even though I don't have control over what happens, I do have a loving Heavenly Father and a brother that know the beginning from the end. I read a scripture tonight that says, "He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him." It was a reminder that no matter what I go through it is for my good because he loves me. I don't understand everything but I do know that my Heavenly Father and Savior love me and because I know they love me I know that no matter what I go through it is for my benefit.
Losing Hope was incredibly hard but the lesson I'm learning I couldn't have learned any other way. I will never say that I was thankful to lose her, but I am thankful for the things I'm learning along the way. I just need to have faith and trust in the Lord that no matter happens with this virus or anything else in my life it is for my benefit or for the benefit of those I love.
I feel like my testimony of the plan of happiness has increased so much. I am able to look at loss differently. Yes, it's still hard to not have Hope with me but to know that she is going through her own mission now helping others that have passed on helps give me peace. I'm able to look at death as something that isn't final and isn't a punishment. The Lord didn't take her away because of anything I did or didn't do. He did it because "he loveth the world and he doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world'. I just have to tell myself that I don't see the full picture but when I do, it will make sense and I will find joy in his ways.
Today's actual prompt is about finding people that you can count on. A few months ago I remember being so discouraged that those I thought I could count on weren't really there for me in my grief. I loved in this chapter how they talked about sometimes those that are most compassionate can't be there with us to bear witness to our grief and we shouldn't hold that against them. That thought has allowed me to forgive those that unintentionally hurt me by not being what I needed them to be.
Having said that, I have been blessed with many who have helped be my people through grief. My husband has been a rock to my grief. He will sit with me in it. He holds me when I cry and he is so understanding. He doesn't have to say much but when he does his words are just what I need. He's been so patient with me as I go from angry, to confused, to peaceful and then back again. I've been so blessed to have him as my companion and as I've gone through this I've found that my husband is so much stronger that I thought before.
I've had friends that know just what to say and just how to say it. I've been amazed at their ability to mourn with those that mourn. And the neat thing is that it's brought people into my life again that I needed. I truly have angels that have surrounded me in the physical sense and the spiritual sense.
I've been amazed to see that the Lord brings people into my life at the exact moment I need them and going through this has only further proved that to me. People come into your life at times when you need them or they need you. I don't believe in coincidence or chance. I know that people are guided to you for a purpose.
Today's prompt is: Reach out to the best helper you know and ask for her help.
I do this quite frequently. There are days where things don't make sense and I'm concerned about how I'm feeling. I've reached out to different people and I'm always met with compassion and love. These people truly teach me the meaning of charity as they help guide me in ways that I couldn't have reached or understood myself.