100 Days of Grief

"We each survive in our own way." -Sarah J. Maas This post talks about making a list or inventory of survival strategies.  To be honest I had no idea what it was talking about until it asked me what were some coping strategies that had worked in the past.  I feel like this post might be a bit easier to write about because it's talking about ways to heal.  I feel like the last couple have been talking about being in the trauma and pain and I haven't been able to go there.  I've been thinking the last couple of days that I wanted to try and not write so much about my spiritual journey with this.  I know some people can't relate to it and I didn't want to come across as preachy or pushy but as I was reflecting about it, it felt like I wasn't being true to my healing if I avoided it.  It seems like my scriptures, prayer and time to ponder has been the balm to my pain.  Just know that I understand completely if it doesn't fit for everyone. ...

"Sometimes a breakdown can be the beginning of a kind of breakthrough, a way of living in advance through a trauma that prepares you for a future of radical transformation."  -Cherrie Moraga I really apologize for last night's post.  It was poorly written but I was so exhausted that I couldn't even form thoughts.  Hopefully today's is better since I'm doing it in the middle of the day but I can't make any promises.  I have a small little girl that is having a bit of a tantrum about not being able to write the letter "u".   I'm finding that I'm having a hard time writing these posts lately because I'm having a hard time remembering what it felt like and that it was even real.  Now, it feels like just normal everyday life.  It worries me a bit that I can't remember.  I've gone back and read through some of my posts but I feel like I'm almost disconnected from them now.  Maybe that means I've gone through...

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." -Rober Brault It's been really hard to try not to compare my grief to others.  I'm not sure why we do it but we always look at others and try to down play our feelings.  I'm not sure why we as humans do that but it's really destructive to our healing.  At least I think so.  But it's been interesting because every story I hear, I think "wow, theirs is way harder," and then I feel terrible that I'm writing or even that I'm complaining about what I've gone through.   But I know in my mind that you really can't compare grief or loss.  In my support group that is one of the first things they talked about was that you shouldn't compare your grief to others.  Loss is loss no matter when or how it happened.  I've known people that have had their babies and lost them hours later.  I've known people who have lost babie...

"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision." -Maya Angelou Tonight's post is about opening your heart.  As I've been doing my yoga there are positions that talk about opening your heart and I've been thinking about what that means.  I'm realizing that now more than ever in my life my heart has been opened.  I feel like in a small way I can call that a victory through all the pain.   I think instinctually when we are hurt we pull away from others.  I know I always have.  I never wanted to share my vulnerability with others.  It was even hard with my husband.  But with the struggles of being so sick and really falling apart I had no choice but to let people in.  At first it was really begrudgingly.  I hated having people come take care of my family and make dinners and clean my house.  It felt humiliating and I always worried people were judging me because...

" The Western mind is obsessed by doing more and more, restless and constantly on the run ,just cannot sit still into being the grace that descends...just by being...still, being leads to being." -Swami Rajneesh After having my miscarriage in this weird period of peace before the storm moment I had this simplified look at my life of things that really mattered.  I remember sitting with my notebook and writing this:   Priorities:  1 - My time and relationship with God 2 - Family (Nick, my and babies emotional and physical health) 3 - Everything else I look back at it and this was before I really dropped into that deep dark hole.  This was right I after I'd had my D&C and I was able to start functioning again.  I was able to get up and move around without assistance.  I was able to help the kids and try to help lift the burden from Nick.  During this time I felt so much gratitude for all those around me and fully saw how...

"It was one of those times you feel a sense of loss, even though you didn't have something in the first place.  I guess that's what disappointment is - a sense of loss for something you never had." -Deb Caletti Today has been a good day.  I never thought I would get to that point where I could say my day was good.  I remember a time where I felt like there was no hope of good days ahead.  But today was a very good day.  Nick went through the temple and I got to spend our morning together with family and close friends.  It was better than good.  It was joyful and huge waves of gratitude filled my soul as I got to be at the temple with my husband.  I'm hoping that as I prepare for next Saturday it will be even better.   As I went through today it hit me again how truly blessed I am to be surrounded by such good people.  It seems like everyday I get new messages or sweet gifts from friends and family that remind me that ...

"No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear." -C.S. Lewis My mind the last couple days has been thinking about my husband going through the temple and my family getting sealed.  I've been trying to make sure all the ducks are in a line and that I haven't forgotten anything.  The last time I went to the temple I sat and thought about how the next time I went through I would have my husband with me.  It brought me to tears.  Tears of so much joy.  My husband is so good.  I constantly wonder how I ended up with someone so perfectly good.   Having him with me in the temple makes me so happy and also getting to have my kids in the temple with me is so much more on top of that.  But I have to be honest and say that I'm getting more anxious about that day.  In a previous post I talked about how that day will be a mixture of sweet and bitter.  When I was sick something that gave me hope was to think about having an...