Post 33 of 100 Days of Grief
"Sometimes a breakdown can be the beginning of a kind of breakthrough, a way of living in advance through a trauma that prepares you for a future of radical transformation."
I really apologize for last night's post. It was poorly written but I was so exhausted that I couldn't even form thoughts. Hopefully today's is better since I'm doing it in the middle of the day but I can't make any promises. I have a small little girl that is having a bit of a tantrum about not being able to write the letter "u".
I'm finding that I'm having a hard time writing these posts lately because I'm having a hard time remembering what it felt like and that it was even real. Now, it feels like just normal everyday life. It worries me a bit that I can't remember. I've gone back and read through some of my posts but I feel like I'm almost disconnected from them now. Maybe that means I've gone through the grief and mourning and I'm okay now but I worry that my brain has pushed them to the back because it doesn't want to acknowledge it anymore. It doesn't want to feel them.
As I'm reading through today's prompt it's talking about what it means to be traumatized. It says that grief after a traumatic loss is often different that an anticipated or "peaceful" loss. Your mind has a harder time coming to terms with it. It brings feelings of shock, fear, anxiety, and helplessness. Nick has told me before that he thinks I have some pretty bad PTSD associated with my losses. When he said that I didn't believe him. But I think it's a little bit true. I don't think my mind can accept everything and it seems like my mind has always had a way of "forgetting" things to deal with them.
I'm not sure if that is healthy, but honestly from past experiences I don't remember a lot because I think my mind just blocks them out. If it is hard, it blocks things. I just don't want it to block the good too. I don't remember a lot of my past and I think it's because there may have been hard things there and because of those hard things my brain blocks everything. The good and the bad.
I'm not sure. I just wish I could remember the trauma at times. I think I still have that link in my mind that if I'm not feeling the pain, I've forgotten Hope. But I don't believe that's completely true. I think of Hope many times throughout the day but now it doesn't always bring me to tears. It's more just realizing now that she won't be with me here but at another time. I'm also coming to terms with the idea that we are done having more kids.
Today's prompt is this: How is the traumatic nature of your miscarriage shaping your grief right now? If you feel traumatized by the event of the miscarriage, talk to someone you trust about this today.
Today I'm not feeling anything. I know it was traumatic. I remember vividly the silence while the doctor and the ultrasound tech searched for a heartbeat. But I'm just not feeling anything towards it. Maybe that is my heart healing? I'm not sure. It feels almost numb. Like it wasn't me who went through it. If I am numb towards it should I continue and try to feel the feelings in it? Or is it okay for me to move forward with my life. I'm not sure.
I just feel a little lost in this now. Am I done with the grief? Am I ignoring it? Is this healthy? I'm not really sure. I think today might be a good day to go back to my box of Hope. Maybe something there will trigger some sort of feeling. Maybe not. I'm not sure.