Day 31 of 100 Days of Grief


"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision."
-Maya Angelou



Tonight's post is about opening your heart.  As I've been doing my yoga there are positions that talk about opening your heart and I've been thinking about what that means.  I'm realizing that now more than ever in my life my heart has been opened.  I feel like in a small way I can call that a victory through all the pain.  

I think instinctually when we are hurt we pull away from others.  I know I always have.  I never wanted to share my vulnerability with others.  It was even hard with my husband.  But with the struggles of being so sick and really falling apart I had no choice but to let people in.  At first it was really begrudgingly.  I hated having people come take care of my family and make dinners and clean my house.  It felt humiliating and I always worried people were judging me because I couldn't handle pregnancy.  

But it changed because I saw how much it lifted my husbands burdens.  I knew it made him uncomfortable too but if by accepting people's help I was able to take some of the load off of my husband then I would do it in a heartbeat.  But then as the sickness got harder their presence also buoyed me up.  There were days where I hadn't slept and life seemed too hard and I was sick and exhausted but having someone come with a cheerful face or even just their presence soothed me.  It made it a little more bearable.  

It opened my eyes to what love really meant.  Not love, charity.  These people showed me true charity.  I don't think I could ever really express what it meant to me.  Then there were the two angel friends that sat with me in one of the hardest moments of my life as I decided how to remove Hope from my body.  It was excruciating but having them sit and hold my hands as I fell apart really touched me.  I wasn't alone.  

I had many people say to me after I lost my Hope that they would give me and my family space to mourn.  I appreciated the thought but I think when people are mourning they don't want to feel alone.  It's already lonely enough without that person or baby.  I loved the texts letting people know they were thinking of me.  I loved the friends checking in to see how I was.  I loved the constant outpouring of love.  It was hard because I was so vulnerable and I didn't want them to see me in this broken down state but I needed their love in those moments.  

I've had so many people reach out to me since I began writing this blog.  Truthfully as I started this blog it was really just a place for me to get out the feelings I couldn't speak.  To try and reason through the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing.  But I decided to open it up because I wanted people to understand what it felt like.  I wanted people that had experienced this to know that they weren't alone.  

And the love I've received because of this blog has been overwhelming.  I've talked with friends from childhood.  Friends from college.  Friends from Alaska.  I've had friends that I hadn't talked with in years that have reached out and my heart has been overflowing with the love I've received.  I've loved the time I've gotten to spend with each and everyone.  It's been such a blessing for me.  I feel like going through this experience has opened my heart again to letting people in and sharing with them.  

Each person I've talked to has told me about their lives and the hard things they've gone through.  I said in a previous post how hard that was initially but now as I listen to their stories I'm more capable of empathizing with them.  I don't understand everything they've been through but I've recognized that each person has hard things they go through.  I guess it's taught me to be kinder.  To be gentler.  To be a better friend.  To reach out to friends new and old.  Opening my heart has been a blessing that I was not expecting.  When my heart was ripped apart by these miscarriages I had dear friends that have pieced it back together.  

Tonight's prompt:  Try reflecting on this thought: "As I allow myself to mourn, I create an opening in my heart.  Releasing the tensions of grief, surrendering to the struggle, means freeing myself to go forward and allowing myself to love and be loved.

By allowing myself to let go of the pain and let others hold it at times I have received so much more love that I've ever felt in my life.  Talking about my pain and expressing my emotions with people has created these bonds that I don't think can ever be erased.  I'm hoping that as I go through life that I can remember that vulnerability isn't bad.  Vulnerability allows your heart to be open and allows you in return to spread love to those around you.  

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