Day 28 of 100 Days of Grief

"No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear."

-C.S. Lewis

My mind the last couple days has been thinking about my husband going through the temple and my family getting sealed.  I've been trying to make sure all the ducks are in a line and that I haven't forgotten anything.  The last time I went to the temple I sat and thought about how the next time I went through I would have my husband with me.  It brought me to tears.  Tears of so much joy.  My husband is so good.  I constantly wonder how I ended up with someone so perfectly good.  

Having him with me in the temple makes me so happy and also getting to have my kids in the temple with me is so much more on top of that.  But I have to be honest and say that I'm getting more anxious about that day.  In a previous post I talked about how that day will be a mixture of sweet and bitter.  When I was sick something that gave me hope was to think about having another sweet baby girl with us as we were being sealed.  I want that day to be so perfect and I don't want to be sad at all during it but I worry that it may be so very very hard.  

I keep telling myself that I need to have perspective.  Because I'm getting sealed I get my babies sealed to me as well.  It makes it better because I know I will have them with me for forever.  But it's hard to let go of that hope that I would have her there with me.  People have told me that she will be there and I don't doubt it but I so wanted her there in person.  I wanted to see her in that beautiful little white dress.  I wanted to see her sweet baby eyes looking up at the beautiful chandelier or the mirrors around us.  I wanted to feel her soft skin.  It hard to change my wants for the things that are.  

I just hope people around me that are there with me will understand that deep heartache that comes with the extreme joy.  I think it will be a very emotional day.  

Today's prompt is about fear.  As I read the title I thought this one didn't really apply to me.  I didn't remember being fearful of anything.  But as I read the chapter I realized fear was always my underlying feeling.  The anger and the envy and the myriad of other feelings were just disguising my sadness and fear.  

I've gone back and read through some of my blogs and in almost all of them it says, "I worry".  I should go back and change them all to, "I fear".  All of those worries were the things I was fearing.  I was fearful of being bitter and angry.  I was fearful of not recovering.  I was fearful of not having more kids. I was fearful of what this experience was doing to me.  I've been full of so many fears.  I still am filled with fear.  

The other thing I realized is how much the fear I've had through the last three pregnancies has tainted my pregnancies.  After the first miscarriage when I saw the positive pregnancy test on the second pregnancy the first feeling I felt was fear.  When I had Henry and Hannah I was just so excited.  I was thinking about how I was going to tell Nick in a cute way or what cute new baby gadgets we would get.  Never once was there fear.  I just never occurred to me that I would ever lose a baby.  

But I did.  And the subsequent pregnancies were hard emotionally.  You worry over every twinge of pain.  Every time you sit to use the bathroom you're terrified that when you wipe you'll see blood.  You are worried to move around too much.  You're worried about getting in the bath.  You're worried about having intercourse with your husband.  You're worried about all of the things that could go wrong.  And they run through your mind all day long and if you're like me all night long too.  

A "normal" pregnancy doesn't exist anymore.  At every moment you're waiting to lose that baby.  With this last I decided to choose hope and I think I did a pretty good job because of how sick I was.  But at the back of my head whenever someone said, "it will all be worth it when you hold that baby in your arms", hesitation and fear were the first feelings that came.  I didn't dare hope that I would make it that far.  I think throughout the pregnancy I was expecting to lose her.  I'm not sure if that was a prompting or God helping me prepare myself or if that was the fear.  I'm not really sure.  

Today Nick and I were talking early in the morning about another fear.  I haven't had my period.  I honestly don't remember the last time I had it.  I think I had one a month after my D&C but again I don't keep track.  I've been getting up in the middle of the night because I need to use the bathroom.  

Nick and I have been very vigilant about birth control since this last pregnancy so there really is no way I could be pregnant but that fear is there.  Both of us have expressed it.  I told Nick that we could just solve the problem by taking a pregnancy test but I can't.  I told him that if it was positive I would cry and cry for days.  Not because we don't want that baby but because the fear of losing another child.  I just don't think I could do it again.  For now I'm going to sweep it to the side and just hope that my body is out of whack from having a D&C.  

I remember the week after I lost my Hope I told Nick I was terrified of losing him.  It scared me so bad that I was shaking.  Nick's health hasn't been the best.  We've both gained a lot of weight over the years but luckily or not so luckily I lost all of the extra weight when I got pregnant.  Nick gained more because of the stress of holding our life together.  Everyday I am in constant fear of losing him.  I also am always scared of losing Hannah and Henry.  I worry that something will happen to Henry at school or when Hannah doesn't wake up early in the morning I worry that she's dead.  I know that sounds really morbid but I live in constant fear of losing my loved ones.  

In the book it talks about practicing living in the moment.  I've used this a lot in dealing with my anxiety and it helps me not to look forward to things I can't control.  It talks about using your five senses to ground you.  What are you touching right now? What can you hear?  What are you smelling?  These practices have really helped me come back to the now and realize for now my two beautiful kids and my wonderful husband are still with me.  

Today's prompt:  What is your biggest fear since your miscarriage? Talk to someone about it today.  

I have two.  My two greatest fears right now are losing my loved ones and having to go through losing another child.  I always think to say that I couldn't handle it or that I wouldn't be able to make it through that.  But I remember telling Nick when we were first trying to get pregnant that if I lost a child it would destroy me.  That I couldn't handle it and I would fall apart.  And it came true.  I lost my babies.  I guess the good thing is that it hasn't destroyed me and I am fumbling through it.  But I worry about ever saying I can't do something again because I'm worried that it will be something I have to face.