100 Days of Grief

"Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you." -Robert Ebert There aren't many days that I get to actually talk to someone about my loss anymore.  Today I got to tell someone about my babies and instead of feeling pain or feeling like I was going to fall apart I felt happy to talk about it.  Actually talking to someone and telling them about what I've been through and how much I loved those babies felt so good to share.  It brought me joy instead of pain.  I did cry but it wasn't painful and something I wanted to pull away from.  It made me realize I want to talk about it more. I often feel like I shouldn't talk about it.  Like I'm annoying people by talking about my babies but this weekend I went down to my aunts and she was telling me about her little boy she lost.  I don't remember how old he was but it made me happy to hear that she was still talking about him.  I know that maybe my loss isn't as great ...

"Remember that a successful marriage depends on two things: 1) finding the right person and 2) being the right person." -Author Unknown I haven't blogged in a couple days for a few reasons.  The first is we went to St. George and I forgot to bring my book along with the prompts.  The other is I've been conflicted on whether I should keep sharing these blogs.  I received some feedback that maybe these weren't good for me to do and it caught me off guard.  It made me question myself.  Were these actually helping me?  Is this helpful or am I sharing too much?  That and it was pretty hard to hear.  It felt pretty personal since I've put everything out there.   I have learned though from not blogging that these are really beneficial to me.  The last couple days it felt like things would remind me of my babies or what had happened and  didn't react very well to them.  It seemed to hurt more than it has in the past...

" March on.  Do not tarry.  To go forward is to move forward perfection.  March on, and fear not the thorns, or the sharp stones on life's path. " -Kahlil Gibran I believe today's post is going to be short.  Today has been kind of a meh day.  I feel like I'm removed from myself today.  It's hard to describe the feeling.  While studying and getting things done today I feel like it wasn't really me doing the things.  Just kind of an out of body day.  It's been odd.   Today's chapter is about moving toward your grief and not away from it.  I've struggled with this a bit.  I always question if I've actually allowed myself to grieve or if I just avoid it.  It's hard because you don't want to feel the pain and when you do, your instinct is to move away from it.  Even if I know logically that I need to sit with it and feel it, I find myself stopping myself from crying because right at that point I can't cry...

A lways S eek K nowledge. -Unknown Tonight's post is about empowering yourself with information.  I've been thinking about this a lot. It's hard to not have answers.  Even in this book it says, "While the causes of miscarriage are not thoroughly understood, doctors do believe that most first-trimester miscarriages are caused by chromosomal abnormalities.  These imperfections usually aren't caused by anything the mother or father did or genetics they cary.  Most of the time they occur by random chance."  I hate hearing this answer from doctors.  It was a chromosomal abnormality. After my second we went to a fertility specialist.  I was excited to get answers.  I was kind of hoping they'd just say, everything looks great just keep trying.  But we did find out there were some problems.  Nick's sperm's heads weren't pointy enough.  He had some that were the right shape but not many.  I kept releasing immature eggs....

"When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." -Kahlil Gibran I feel like I've learned a lot about myself through the experiences I've been having.  I also feel like it's teaching me the things that really matter.  Today I noticed that when I'm really struggling with emotions and grief I tend to cling to my to-do list.  It seems like on other days when the pain and hurting isn't so present I'm able to look at my to-do list and get what I can done and realize that I maybe won't finish it all.  Today I tried to do that but the feeling of being out of control wouldn't let me not complete things.  It's like when you emotions and grief are spinning and hard to control you grasp for those things that you can control. I did also notice too though that when the grief is really hard I find myself appreciating the moments I usually take for grant...

"It is not in the going down that we demonstrate resilience, it is in the getting up again." -Ingrid Poulson Today didn't get any easier.  In fact I believe it got incredibly harder.  Yesterday I was swimming in the emotions at the end of the day and I vocalized to Nick that sometimes I wonder if we did insemination or an IUI would it decrease the risk of losing another baby.  As you can tell I'm still not ready to shut the door on having more kids.  Recently I got to spend an afternoon with a friend and she has a cute little 4 month old girl.  She let me hold her and play with her as she made lunch and then I was able to hold her as she fell asleep in my arms.  It felt so good.  Just so right.  I loved those moments of holding a sleeping baby or how they grab at everything trying to experience the world.  I know there are hard moments with kids and I'm not saying that it would be all rainbows but I miss having a baby.  I want...

"It is no use saying, 'We are doing our best.' You have got to succeed in doing what is necessary." -Winston  Churchill I have a friend that lost her baby a few weeks before me.  She was little bit farther along than I was when she lost her baby.  This friend is one of my best friends I would say.  We moved in around the same time and then she ended up selling her house a couple different times and now she lives about an hour and a half away.  Our kids are close in age and I felt like almost immediately we formed a bond.  She was easy to talk to and very real with me.   Yesterday we met up.  When I first lost my baby I feel like I relied a bit on her to help me figure out what was normal.  Was it normal to be this sad.  Was it normal to feel angry? Was it normal to for me to struggle with certain things?   She came down to me probably about a month after I lost Hope and we talked for about an hour.  After...