Day 42 of 100 Days of Grief and Hope


Tonight's post is about empowering yourself with information.  I've been thinking about this a lot. It's hard to not have answers.  Even in this book it says, "While the causes of miscarriage are not thoroughly understood, doctors do believe that most first-trimester miscarriages are caused by chromosomal abnormalities.  These imperfections usually aren't caused by anything the mother or father did or genetics they cary.  Most of the time they occur by random chance."  I hate hearing this answer from doctors.  It was a chromosomal abnormality.

After my second we went to a fertility specialist.  I was excited to get answers.  I was kind of hoping they'd just say, everything looks great just keep trying.  But we did find out there were some problems.  Nick's sperm's heads weren't pointy enough.  He had some that were the right shape but not many.  I kept releasing immature eggs.  I had endometriosis in my left ovary.  But these all explained why would couldn't get pregnant.  Not the reason I miscarried.

I even remember asking him that if we did get pregnant on our own because of Nick's funny shaped sperm and my immature eggs would that effect the genetic make up.  Would that be causing our "chromosomal abnormalities".  He said no, if I was able to get pregnant everything should be fine.  I asked him then how come we had two miscarriages in a row and he said it was just by chance.  But now I'm up to three miscarriages and I find it highly unlikely that it's just by chance we keep losing these babies.  

When I went to google a couple nights ago they talked about genetic and chromosomal testing that can be done on Nick and I to see if there are any problems.  I really want to do it but I don't think Nick wants to go down that rabbit hole with me.  I thinks he worries that it would make me want to try again.  Which I so desperately do want to try again but mostly right now I just want some answers.  

But if I do get answers then what?  Will that give me closure?  Will that take away my want for a baby?  I'm not sure it would.  And I'm guessing those tests aren't cheap.  But I wish I could have some answer some reason to say, this is why my babies died.  But I'm not sure what I will really gain from that.  I think it's just my logical brain trying to make sense of it all.

Tonight's prompt is this:  Schedule a special appointment with your obstetric healthcare provider to talk about the miscarriage.  Learning what you can about why it happened (even if the answer is that it was likely a chance occurrence may help set your mind and heart at ease.)

I really want to do this.  Like a lot.  I have even pulled up the fertility doctors number and it's sitting in my internet browser on my phone but I can't do it.  I don't want to drag Nick into something that he doesn't want to do.  I don't want to spend a lot of money looking for answers when even if I got answers I couldn't do anything with them.  But I want to find out if it's something I can do to fix it.  I guess it's that small little piece of hope that I have that eventually we'll have another baby.  The feelings are pretty conflicting.  

I haven't really even spoken to Nick about this and I probably should but I don't want to run head first into the conversation we kind of had a couple nights ago.  I don't want to be angry at Nick.  And I know he is only doing what he thinks is best but it's hard when all of me still wants more children.  I've actually avoided praying about if I should be done.  I know that's terrible but I'm scared for the answer.  I'm scared to hear yes, you are done and I'm scared to hear no, you need to keep trying.  So I feel like I'm in this crazy limbo where I can't make choices because of my scared of the result.  And Nick said no.  

Sigh.  For now I guess I'll put it aside and deal with it another day, but I have a feeling that soon I'm going to have to take it from the shelf and really look at it.   


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