Day 41 of 100 Days of Grief and Hope

"When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."
-Kahlil Gibran



I feel like I've learned a lot about myself through the experiences I've been having.  I also feel like it's teaching me the things that really matter.  Today I noticed that when I'm really struggling with emotions and grief I tend to cling to my to-do list.  It seems like on other days when the pain and hurting isn't so present I'm able to look at my to-do list and get what I can done and realize that I maybe won't finish it all.  Today I tried to do that but the feeling of being out of control wouldn't let me not complete things.  It's like when you emotions and grief are spinning and hard to control you grasp for those things that you can control.

I did also notice too though that when the grief is really hard I find myself appreciating the moments I usually take for granted.  Like today I had a huge to do list but we had just gone to the library and I really just wanted to sit with Hannah and read books.  And then Hannah fell asleep and the jobs and chores drove me crazy but I thought about that these moments to take a nap with her were disappearing.  So I stayed and napped with her.   In my book by Brene Brown she talked about those who have gone through trauma or great grief and have lost someone they don't miss the big moments with the people.  They don't miss the weddings or the big events, they miss the everyday simple things.  I think that's what I'm missing with this baby.  I'm missing the opportunity to have those small moments with my baby.  

Today's prompt is about believing in your capacity to heal.  I remember the first day that I started to feel happy it scared me.  I pushed it away because I felt like I was forgetting Hope.  It wasn't until someone gave me permission to be happy that I cautiously allowed myself small moments of happiness.  It felt like if I allowed myself to happy it meant that I was okay without her.  Which isn't true.  Now most days I am happy, I'm not happy I lost her, but I'm happy because of what I still have.  

I remember though thinking that I would never be happy again.  How could I be?  That grief made me feel so hopeless.  It was dark and encompassing.  Then came the idea that I didn't want to survive without her.  I found out at my support group that most of the women who were there understood exactly how I felt.  We didn't want to continue on without our babies.  We had good things here but that ache for that baby is so overwhelming you just can't imagine living without them.  

It sounds really dark, and I definitely think if you don't have someone there to help monitor you it can get out of control.  I know it did for me.  Being here was just too painful.  I didn't feel like I had any use here anymore.  My children didn't want to be around a mom that couldn't stop crying and couldn't function.  What kind of wife could I be to my husband?  There was nothing I could offer him.  I didn't feel like I was ever going to be okay again.  And those thoughts just kept going and it just made so much sense to make it all stop.  Then I could be with my baby and the pain would leave me.  It sounded so enticing.  

But let me tell you, if I had ended my life there, I would have missed out on so much.  The pain slowly lessens or maybe not lessens but becomes less overwhelming.  You're able to find answers and for me I found joy.  I found gratitude.  I found balance.  I still have my rough days as you know but then there are the good days too and they are better than the good days before I had Hope.  

Today's prompt is: If you are feeling that your grief feels unsurvivable, find a way to gain power over it.  Draw a picture of it.  Find a song that seems to articulate your grief experience more than your own words can.  Give your grief a name, a face, or a voice.  Expressing your grief in this way may diminish some of the power it has over you today.  

I find it really strange the things that attract me when I'm grieving.  I actually talked to my friend about it but after I lost Hope and the grief was really overwhelming I was drawn to sad things.  I found songs that captured the feelings I was having.  I read books that made me cry.  Now as I'm a little farther away I've had a few ideas that make me question if it's part of my grief or what.  When I was searching for a project to work on to honor Hope right after I lost her I found one that I really drew me in but I wasn't capable of doing it because of the state I was in physically.  I really wanted to volunteer for hospice.  Sitting with someone who was dying or being with someone that was losing someone really called to me.  It still does.  I've wondered if it would be healthy for me to do that.  I've tried to work my way through my motives.  Am I doing this to help someone?  To mourn with those that mourn or is this my way of feeling more grief?  It makes me a little nervous and so I've waited but the draw has not lessened.  

I do love in the prompt how it says to give your grief a name.  I tried to think of something and I've decided my grief needs to have some kind of absurd name.  Something just goofy.  If I can look at it in that way it does seem less daunting.  I've decided to name my grief Harold.  Harold is my grief and Harold likes to show up uninvited most times.  Yes, my grief is now Harold.  

I like that by naming my grief Harold it makes it kind of funny and not so heavy.  Harold.  It leaves me with a bit of a smile which is nice.  

I was going to finish with that but I watched a small video yesterday that I really wanted to share.  It doesn't really go with anything I've talked about tonight but I was so impressed with it.  I've been thinking about my friend and why I felt such a strong prompting to go be with her when I came out of it feeling so badly.  This movie talks about mourning with those that mourn and how often we try to give advice and suggestions of what to do when really we just need someone to be with us.  I still need to learn this better.  I know that for me, people that came and just sat with me and didn't give me advice or things that they thought would make me better helped so much.  Here is the link to the video.  I absolutely love it.  

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