100 Days of Grief

"When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." -Kahlil Gibran I feel like I've learned a lot about myself through the experiences I've been having.  I also feel like it's teaching me the things that really matter.  Today I noticed that when I'm really struggling with emotions and grief I tend to cling to my to-do list.  It seems like on other days when the pain and hurting isn't so present I'm able to look at my to-do list and get what I can done and realize that I maybe won't finish it all.  Today I tried to do that but the feeling of being out of control wouldn't let me not complete things.  It's like when you emotions and grief are spinning and hard to control you grasp for those things that you can control. I did also notice too though that when the grief is really hard I find myself appreciating the moments I usually take for grant...

"It is not in the going down that we demonstrate resilience, it is in the getting up again." -Ingrid Poulson Today didn't get any easier.  In fact I believe it got incredibly harder.  Yesterday I was swimming in the emotions at the end of the day and I vocalized to Nick that sometimes I wonder if we did insemination or an IUI would it decrease the risk of losing another baby.  As you can tell I'm still not ready to shut the door on having more kids.  Recently I got to spend an afternoon with a friend and she has a cute little 4 month old girl.  She let me hold her and play with her as she made lunch and then I was able to hold her as she fell asleep in my arms.  It felt so good.  Just so right.  I loved those moments of holding a sleeping baby or how they grab at everything trying to experience the world.  I know there are hard moments with kids and I'm not saying that it would be all rainbows but I miss having a baby.  I want...

"It is no use saying, 'We are doing our best.' You have got to succeed in doing what is necessary." -Winston  Churchill I have a friend that lost her baby a few weeks before me.  She was little bit farther along than I was when she lost her baby.  This friend is one of my best friends I would say.  We moved in around the same time and then she ended up selling her house a couple different times and now she lives about an hour and a half away.  Our kids are close in age and I felt like almost immediately we formed a bond.  She was easy to talk to and very real with me.   Yesterday we met up.  When I first lost my baby I feel like I relied a bit on her to help me figure out what was normal.  Was it normal to be this sad.  Was it normal to feel angry? Was it normal to for me to struggle with certain things?   She came down to me probably about a month after I lost Hope and we talked for about an hour.  After...

"He that conceals his grief finds no remedy for it." -Turkish proverb I was listening to a talk today and a particular phrase stuck out.  The speaker said, "Your struggles do not define you but they can refine you.  Because of a ‘thorn in the flesh,’ you may have the ability to feel more compassion toward others.  As guided by the Holy Ghost, share your story in order to succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees." I've felt that as I've gone through these difficult times I've never felt more compassion for others than now.  It feels like because I've been through hard things I'm able to see others burdens more clearly.  I'm more aware of the difficulties that before I would have overlooked.  I really believe that everyone has hard things they are going through and we are here to lift each other up. I feel like because I have been blessed with so much during my miscarriages I should be...

"People suffer because they are caught in their views.  As soon as we release those views, we are free and we don't suffer anymore." - Thich Nhat Hanh I'm going to start with today's post with starting with the prompt.  Today's prompt is this: Which grief misconception has been most harmful to your grief journey?  Consider the ways in which you can help teach others about these destructive misconceptions. I think the worst misconception that I struggled with during my miscarriages was that it wasn't okay to feel certain ways.  At the very beginning I felt bad feeling angry, depressed, and hurt.  I think the hardest one was the anger.  I think I probably still feel bad about this one.  We are taught that anger isn't good and that it's a "bad" feeling.  We shouldn’t feel angry at people, we shouldn’t feel anger towards situations because it only hurts us. I think that anger can be a harmful emotion if we don't dig into ...

"When we lose those we love, we must understand that it takes time to learn to feel again.  For nothing can touch the heart that is frozen with grief." -Unknown Yesterday while teaching piano lessons I had one of my students bring up Hope.  This is something I had been worried about since starting lessons.  I was worried I would fall apart in tears if one of the students mentioned it.  Instead I come away feeling comforted and loved.  The interaction was simple.  He just mentioned that he knew I had lost a baby and that it made me very sad.  He also said that he thought the baby would have been cute.  Strangely his simple words have been some of the most kind and compassionate words I've received. As adults I think we think that the person mourning doesn't want to talk about their baby because it is hard and it brings up emotions.  Instead they say they are sorry for our loss.  My students simple acknowledgement that I had l...

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.  When I let go of what I have, I receiver what I need." -Tao Te Ching Tonights prompt is about relinquishing control.  In a previous post I explained how having a miscarriage leaves you feeling helpless and out of control.  You try so hard through pregnancy to control all the things to make sure you don't lose the baby.  But really you don't have any control over life and death.  I couldn't control that my baby's heart stopped beating.   In a way it relieves some of the guilt because you naturally think of all of the things that could have killed her.  But as I've gotten farther from the grief and guilt I've realized there really wasn't anything I did that killed her.  I think I knew early on that we would lose her.  Nick has expressed the same feeling.  I remember having a conversation with him about how if she died later on I would like to donate all her organs....