Day 36 of 100 Days of Grief and Hope

"When we lose those we love, we must understand that it takes time to learn to feel again.  For nothing can touch the heart that is frozen with grief."

-Unknown

Yesterday while teaching piano lessons I had one of my students bring up Hope.  This is something I had been worried about since starting lessons.  I was worried I would fall apart in tears if one of the students mentioned it.  Instead I come away feeling comforted and loved.  The interaction was simple.  He just mentioned that he knew I had lost a baby and that it made me very sad.  He also said that he thought the baby would have been cute.  Strangely his simple words have been some of the most kind and compassionate words I've received.

As adults I think we think that the person mourning doesn't want to talk about their baby because it is hard and it brings up emotions.  Instead they say they are sorry for our loss.  My students simple acknowledgement that I had lost a baby felt better to me than an "I'm sorry," or even just ignoring that I had lost my baby.  I meant a lot to me that he acknowledged my sadness and my baby.  I love kids, they have a way of teaching me things that most adults can't.  This moment was very special to me.  It felt nice to know that everyone else hadn't forgotten Hope.

Today's post is about being patient.  This post came at a perfect time.  I've still been struggling with feelings of hurt and anger.  I feel like overall I'm doing really well but specific things trigger my anger and hurt.  I've been really frustrated with myself.  Why does it feel like everything has been healed but these feelings?  I had a family remember remind me that these feelings take time.  I may feel like the grief is gone because I'm functioning like I was before but that's not necessarily true.

I think I needed that reminder that I need to be patient.  I just worry about the anger and hurt.  I don't want to hold on to them.  But I think that it's going to take more time than I'm wanting to work through them.  The things that trigger them surround me and maybe that's why these feeling have stayed and kept coming up.  I guess I just need to remind myself that this is part of grieving and to have compassion towards my weaknesses and feelings.  

It's funny, I wrote that post about not knowing if I should continue this blog because I've felt at peace.  The very next day I spent a few hours sobbing.  I missed my baby.  I was again mourning the loss of a future I so desperately wanted.  I sobbed about feeling guilty for the feelings I had.  I think I needed a reminder that even though I've found peace there are still going to be moments of grief and sorrow.  

I've been reading in my scriptures about how there needs to be opposites in all things.  I've pondered if there really needed to be sorrow to have joy.  Couldn't you still be joyful without experiencing the heartache?  Do you have to feel sadness to understand happiness?  I'm not sure I've figured out all the answers but I think I've realized that to appreciate the joy and happiness you must feel the opposite.  My happiness is so much more full in knowing the contrast of heartache and despair.  Maybe feeling the hard things makes the good things that much better.

I think maybe I need those hard days as a reminder that the good days are so good.  I think it's also nice to have those hard days because it's a reminder of what I've been through and a reminder that there really can be hope.  A reminder that my Hope was real and that she was a part of me.  

Today's prompt is this:  When you are feeling impatient, silently repeat this phrase: "My grief is on it's own course.  It will take its time, and if I fight it, it will take more time."

Today I'm going to remind myself that I'm still grieving and not to feel guilty for the feelings I feel.  Today I'm going to be patient with myself and compassionate with myself.  Today I'm going to love myself for where I am at and know that it's okay to still not be okay all the time.