Day 35 again of 100 Days of Grief and Hope
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receiver what I need."
-Tao Te Ching
Tonights prompt is about relinquishing control. In a previous post I explained how having a miscarriage leaves you feeling helpless and out of control. You try so hard through pregnancy to control all the things to make sure you don't lose the baby. But really you don't have any control over life and death. I couldn't control that my baby's heart stopped beating.
In a way it relieves some of the guilt because you naturally think of all of the things that could have killed her. But as I've gotten farther from the grief and guilt I've realized there really wasn't anything I did that killed her. I think I knew early on that we would lose her. Nick has expressed the same feeling. I remember having a conversation with him about how if she died later on I would like to donate all her organs. It sounds morbid but I think we knew we would lose her. Part of me just wishes I could have kept her a little longer. But can't anyone say that about a loved one? You always wish you had just a little longer.
So in admitting that there probably wasn't anything I did, I'm left feeling like I'm grasping for something to hold on to get some control back. The to-do lists help me feel like I have control. I've pondered if my grasp on my spirituality is a way to gain some control back but I think I've decided that instead of giving me control it's a way for me to let go and just rely and hope that I have a loving Father that knows what is best better than I do.
I love the quote at the top because I think it's so true. When I stop trying to control what I think I should be doing and instead give it to God he shows me what I should be doing and who I really can be. If I let go of my grief and pain I am able to let in love and hope. It's still something I'm learning each day. I've found that if I dedicate a portion of my day to scripture, prayer and meditation I'm shown what is really important that day.
I think it kind of goes along with being vulnerable. If you learn to let go of your tight grasp on what you want to happen and instead let go and accept that it may not be how you had seen it, that vulnerability allows you to be open to so much more. I'm not sure if I'm making much sense.
I still struggle each day letting go of control. It is with dumb things too. I hate letting my kids leave the house and go to friends because I can't control what is happening. I worry if other kids are being mean to them. Are they learning things that I don't want them to learn? My fears and attempts to control them because I feel so out of control harms them and their ability to socialize and learn those skills. But for me the faith I have that if I do the best I can do and teach them what I can to work through those situations let's me release that tight grasp of control.
I think I've always struggled with control but it seemed like after the miscarriage it got worse. I was trying to control everything my family was doing. But it's exhausting and I know it does more harm. I wonder if there is some way to have something that you and only you control if that would be helpful? I'm not sure. I feel like I'm still trying to learn this lesson and I feel like I have little insights of how to be better at letting go. But it's hard and each day is a constant battle with myself to relinquish control.