100 Days of Grief

"Guilt isn't always a rational thing.  Guilt is a weight that will crush you whether you deserve it or not." - Maureen Johnson As I've been working through my days I've been glued to my to do list.  I think at first it was because I had such a hard time concentrating that it was easy for me to write essentially my steps through out the day.  I wrote down crazy dumb stuff like, shower, brush your teeth, comb your hair, make breakfast, etc.  I had such a hard time concentrating that without it I was lost.  I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing each day and I was getting so frustrated because I couldn't accomplish anything.  I just had this haze of grief around me.   Now I'm realizing that I hold to these lists because I feel like it gives me some control.  Miscarriage and fertility issues you have no control whatsoever.  I couldn't control Hope dying.  I couldn't control how sick I was.  I couldn't control ...

"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone." -Sam Levenson Today was Sunday and it was a good day!  Yay for good days.  I had a friend write me a kind note and in it she told me that it was okay to be happy.  I think I needed to hear that and to have permission that I can be happy.  I feel like sometimes if I'm happy people think I'm fine and have gotten over this loss.  I don't think you ever get over losses like this but I think it's important to know too that if you're happy it doesn't mean you've forgot about your babies.   I think today I felt like it was the first day where I was okay to look up at people and smile.  Previously I've always kept my head down because I don't want people to talk to me or say they are sorry because I would just fall apart.  I actually looked into peoples eyes today and I did have people who came up to me or told me ...

"Apology is a lovely perfume; it can transform the clumsiest moment into a gracious gift." -Margaret Lee Runbeck I skipped last nights blog post because I didn't want to do it.  It started out as a good day.  I got Henry to school, I spent time studying, I got Hannah ready for school and went to the temple.  This last year I made the goal to go to the temple each week and was able to go until I got sick.  It provided me with a lot of peace and comfort when I went.  I told Nick it's what made me a semi decent parent.   After I miscarried you can imagine that I wanted some of that peace that I had before so three weeks after my miscarriage and two weeks after my surgery I went to the temple.  It was horrible.  Just so so bad.  I couldn't find my recommend and then ended up missing the session by just a minute or so and it just went down hill from there.  I couldn't concentrate.  I couldn't remember what to do and...

"Many people are alive but don't touch the miracle of being alive." -Thich Nhat Hanh Today the clouds weren't so thick.  I found myself laughing with Hannah.  I even spent thirty minutes reading a book.  It was on my to do list but still.  Before whenever I tried to read I couldn't sit.  And today I sat.  The guilt was still there but I kept telling myself to enjoy the book and there was nothing more pressing that I needed to do.  So Hannah and I sat for a good thirty minutes reading our books.  It was kind of nice.   Today I sat and tried to remember what it was like two months ago.  It's funny how my mind has kind of put a shield up.  There are even times that I forgot that I miscarried.  And then I feel terrible.  But there are other times that it's always in my thoughts.  Today it felt like it never happened.   I was feeling pretty good today thinking maybe the cloud had lifted....

"Tears have a wisdom all their own.  They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go and to work through his sorrow.  They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system.  Here lies the road to recovery." -F. Alexander Magoun I think tonight I'm going to jump right into what this chapter is about because it relates to how today went.  The heading is "cry".  Today I woke up feeling that heaviness still.  It seems like since last Thursday the heaviness gets heavier every day.  I'm not sure what happened that day but I feel like a cloud just surrounds me.  I tried everything to get rid of it.  Again I went through the things, exercise, eat well, sleep, serve others, write what you're grateful for.  I added to the list, take medicine.  That was the key missing piece last time but now I have it and I still feel this dark cloud around me. I woke up this morning exhausted.  ...

"I slide to my knees and say, 'Please let this be over.' Then I'm not ready for it to be over." -Andre Agassi This quote really resonates with me today.  I feel like I'm so tired of the 'hardness' of life right now but at the same time I feel like I cling to it.  If I don't then it means that I move on from my loss and I don't want to do that.  I want to bring her with me in the future but lose the pain of her loss.  I've been thinking about if there is something I can do that will bring her with me in the future without bringing a lot of pain with it.   Did you know that I would have been 20 weeks this week?  I would have been half way there.  I would have had my ultrasound to find out if she were a girl or a boy.  I'm still sure she would have been a girl.  I would have probably started feeling her move too.  I loved feeling my babies move.  It was the strangest feeling in the world but it was wonderful....

"How much tragedy has to happen before I split wide open?" -Alisa Mullen Three miscarriages and a really difficult first part of pregnancy has split me open.  It has broken me into a million peaces and I feel like I'm looking around in the wreckage that is me and not recognizing what parts are me and what's not.  It's like I don't recognize the old parts of me. I visited with a friend this weekend and she was saying that you become a completely new person person after a miscarriage.  The person you were before it is gone and people don't understand that you aren't that person anymore.  My hope is that as I put the pieces back together my person will be better than one before. I was reading a talk by Neil L. Andersen this morning and he was talking about trials being a refiners fire.  I've heard that phrase a lot before but I feel like this is the first time I understand what it means to be put in a refiners fire.  I've had ...