Day 24 of 100 Days of Grief


"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone."
-Sam Levenson


Today was Sunday and it was a good day!  Yay for good days.  I had a friend write me a kind note and in it she told me that it was okay to be happy.  I think I needed to hear that and to have permission that I can be happy.  I feel like sometimes if I'm happy people think I'm fine and have gotten over this loss.  I don't think you ever get over losses like this but I think it's important to know too that if you're happy it doesn't mean you've forgot about your babies.  

I think today I felt like it was the first day where I was okay to look up at people and smile.  Previously I've always kept my head down because I don't want people to talk to me or say they are sorry because I would just fall apart.  I actually looked into peoples eyes today and I did have people who came up to me or told me they were sorry but I didn't fall apart.  I did cry and honestly so did they but it was a sweet connection with those people.  

I think that I'm still going to have hard days.  Friday was one of those days where I struggled getting out of bed and besides going to the temple the rest of the day was also pretty hard.  I climbed in bed with a bowl of ice cream and read a book trying to comfort myself.  But I'm hoping that if I give myself those days where I just can't that the rest of the days will be easier and I'll be able to be happy too.  I think I just need to remind myself on those days where the clouds won't seem to go away that eventually the sun come through and it's okay again.  And also it's okay to ask for help on those days where it is really dark.  

As I've said before in this blog I have been truly blessed by the friends that have been beside me through this.  Most times they come even when I haven't asked for help.  Other times I have to ask but it's nice to know that I have friends that I can ask for help.  Do you remember how I said that God guides our lives and puts us where we need to be without us understanding why?

I've been thinking that about a year and a half ago we tried to move.  Nick had a job that was in Salt Lake and the commute was hard.  That and I was having a hard time making friends and didn't really feel like I fit in where I was at.  I had my sister-in-law and brother in Stansbury Park and it just made more sense to move there.  Nick's commute would be faster, Ashley could help with kids if I got pregnant, houses were cheaper.  There were so many reasons it made sense.  But our house wouldn't sell.  Which was crazy because every house in our neighborhood that had gone up for sale closed in less than a month.  We sat for a couple months, we lowered the price.  We waited and nothing happened.  I was pretty upset when we decided to not move.  

But then later that year Nick talked with the missionaries and created friendships with our neighbors and he got baptized.  Which I think that it was those set of friends and those missionaries that really touched his heart.  If we had moved I'm not sure that would have happened.  As we stayed I created friendships with other ladies and I really put myself out there.  It is those friendships and many more through my life that have lifted me up through this difficult time.  I'm not sure if I had moved that I would have created those friendships because I had my sister-in-law there.  I just have had the feeling that I am where I needed to be and God knew what I was going to go through and wanted me to have the most support I could have.  

Todays post is about taking time off of work while you are grieving.  I have been very lucky to be a stay at home mom during this.  I'm not sure how other women do it who work and have to keep going to meet their financial needs.  I have been really blessed that I have had the time I've needed to recover.  I do teach piano but my students and their parents have been amazing.  I told them back in September I believe it was that I wasn't going to be able to teach anymore because I was so sick and that by January I would be able to start lessons again.

When I lost the baby I sent out a message to all of them letting them know what had happened and that I would possibly need more time and if they needed to find a different teacher I would understand.  All I received was texts filled with comfort and love and they would wait until I was okay to teach again.  As January came I realized that I wasn't up to starting up all my students again and so I again asked them be patient and I tried to phase in students a little bit at a time.  They were again super supportive.  

I was really worried that with not teaching during these months that we wouldn't be okay financially.  I don't make a ton but what I do make helps add to our savings and pays for the extras that we go over.  The medical bills quickly emptied our savings and with it being Christmas I was worried we wouldn't have the money we needed to pay the bills and provide a Christmas for the kids.  But miracles happened and Nick and I received help from many wonderful friends and family.  That was without us ever asking for help.  

As I think through everything and my eyes aren't so clouded with grief and pain it's easier to see how many blessings and miracles that have happened throughout all of it.  I have so much love for those that are in our lives and all of our friends and neighbors that help us and continually help us.  That includes my wonderful piano students and their parents.  

Today's prompt:  If you're concerned about work for any reason in the weeks following your miscarriage - because of financial challenges, not having energy to meet demands, needing to stay home instead of travel, etc. - talk to your supervisor about it.  Open, proactive communication is almost always the best antidote to worry.  

I keep thinking back to my two previous miscarriages and I wish I had given myself the time I needed to heal.  My second miscarriage I was actively miscarrying while teaching piano lessons.  In my mind it wasn't an excuse to cancel lessons.  And it was horrible and awful.  I remember a friend telling me I needed to cancel all my lessons for that week but I was stubborn and didn't want to deal with it.  So I pushed through and didn't acknowledge it and miscarried and jumped back into lessons and being mom and wife.  As I think back I think I've been so depressed and unhappy because I've pushed those feelings down because I didn't have time to feel them.  

With this last miscarriage it's been so much more difficult but I feel like I'm making it through in a more healthy way.  Acknowledging that it is incredibly difficult and heartbreaking and giving myself time to work through all the feelings has been so therapeutic.  Don't get me wrong, it's been absolute hell at times but as I'm starting to see the sun peek behind the clouds I wish I had done it earlier.  I've been living in darkness and clouds for almost two years.  Here is to hoping that as I go forward I can keep feeling my feelings, setting boundaries, and advocating for myself and my feelings and being the kind of friend that I've had so many examples of.  

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