Day 25 of 100 Days of Grief
"Guilt isn't always a rational thing. Guilt is a weight that will crush you whether you deserve it or not."
As I've been working through my days I've been glued to my to do list. I think at first it was because I had such a hard time concentrating that it was easy for me to write essentially my steps through out the day. I wrote down crazy dumb stuff like, shower, brush your teeth, comb your hair, make breakfast, etc. I had such a hard time concentrating that without it I was lost. I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing each day and I was getting so frustrated because I couldn't accomplish anything. I just had this haze of grief around me.
Now I'm realizing that I hold to these lists because I feel like it gives me some control. Miscarriage and fertility issues you have no control whatsoever. I couldn't control Hope dying. I couldn't control how sick I was. I couldn't control what happened to her. I couldn't control the decisions I had to make. I couldn't control any of it. And I can't control why we can't get pregnant. It leaves you feeling powerless and hopeless at times. But if I have my lists I can control what I get done each day. I can control those little details of my day. I can choose to do my blog, create, play with the kids, make dinner, etc. I have control over those and so it makes it a little bit easier.
But I wonder if my grip on this to-do list is a little bit out of control. Each day I write all the things I want to get done. Today I had 17 things on my list. They weren't just the easy comb your hair, shower kind of things. It was do laundry, run, yoga, sew curtains, clean out the garage, make some bracelets, help Henry and Hannah with piano, teach two piano lessons, etc. They all took considerable time. Now at the end of my day I still have seven more things on my list and I feel like I've failed. I think if I had gotten up earlier or not wasted time. But I wanted to spend more time with my kids since they were home from school. I let Hannah do my hair and paint my nails and I did the same for her. I played games with Henry and read a book with him. I feel like those are just as important but my garage didn't get cleaned and my curtains didn't get sewed. It makes me feel a little out of control again and right now that is really uncomfortable.
I want to let go of that tight grip but I worry if I do I'll be back where I was, in a haze of grief not accomplishing anything and no coping with anything. And I worry that I will be useless to my family. We have accomplished so much the last couple weeks as far as organizing and cleaning in our home. I have been really consistent in my scriptures and prayers not only with myself but with my kids. The kids are actually getting a parent that reads with them everyday and teaches them piano and how to cook. If I don't do my lists will I become that sad depressed mom again who doesn't accomplish anything and kind of neglects her kids.
Today's prompt is about guilt. It's silly because I'm feeling guilt about this dumb list! Guilt is a beast and I've learned a lot about talking to my mind and refuting things that make me feel guilty. It's really an internal struggle most days. But when you're tired it's easier to let that guilt win and those negative thoughts about the things you didn't do stay in your mind.
When I had my miscarriages guilt is always the first thing to come. The questions of why and what did I do that killed my baby come almost immediately. It's your mind trying to come to logical solution and if it is your fault then it's something you can control. But you can't. Guilt tears you apart though. I remember spending weeks wondering what I did to kill my baby. Was it the medicines I was taking. Was it not eating enough. Was it my allergic reaction. Was it me saying I couldn't handle pregnancy. There are so many things that I wonder and then I feel guilty.
Even now I feel guilty. As mom's we are supposed to take care of our kids and for some reason my body won't take care of my babies. I feel like as women when it comes to our kids we like to take all the blame. If there is something wrong it's because it's something we did. We are the nurturers, the care takers. And so I think guilt comes really easily for us.
I've found solace in my prayers. The answers I've received help me understand that this miscarriage was supposed to happen and there was nothing I could have done to save her. It still hurts but I know that it wasn't my fault. I know that God knows that I loved her and wanted her and the other babies too. But I know that He needs them too.
I know there are many people that struggle with praying and listening to God after miscarriages. I understand it completely. I struggled with it and at times I still with it. It's hard not be angry at times. But those answers have relieved so much pain and so much heartache. It still hurts but the answers I have takes away a lot of the guilt. I guess what I'm saying is if there is anyone reading this that is suffering under the crushing feelings of guilt I would suggest praying. Even when you don't want and you're angry and you hurt. Praying has made a world of difference for me. But I also understand if you can't. I think it all just takes time to work through and for you to find your answers whether they are from God or from science or wherever you get them.