Day 19 of 100 Days of Grief
"How much tragedy has to happen before I split wide open?"
Three miscarriages and a really difficult first part of pregnancy has split me open. It has broken me into a million peaces and I feel like I'm looking around in the wreckage that is me and not recognizing what parts are me and what's not. It's like I don't recognize the old parts of me.
I visited with a friend this weekend and she was saying that you become a completely new person person after a miscarriage. The person you were before it is gone and people don't understand that you aren't that person anymore. My hope is that as I put the pieces back together my person will be better than one before.
I was reading a talk by Neil L. Andersen this morning and he was talking about trials being a refiners fire. I've heard that phrase a lot before but I feel like this is the first time I understand what it means to be put in a refiners fire. I've had trials in my life but none so hot and refining as this one.
I have a real fear that I'm going to be a worse person after coming through this. I feel weaker and more prone to anger. I feel unable to serve or help others. I feel broken. I'm scared that I will always feel this way. I worry that instead of being refined into something really strong like titanium I will be a puddle of aluminum or something unrecognizable or useful. How can I ever be better after losing my Hope? How can life be better after losing her? It's hard to understand or comprehend.
Today's prompt is about seeking extra support if you've had more than one miscarriage. I feel like each chapter it says to keep seeking extra support. I just need all the support it seems. I'm lucky that I have some amazing friends, family and a husband that are always supporting me even when I think I don't need it.
Today I've been thinking about seeking some professional help or support. I started going to someone in December but I didn't feel like I was making any progress. All I did was talk about what had happened and most of the time I'd get an "uh huh". I never really got any suggestions of how to help but then I was thinking today what would anyone say that would help? Are there tools or skills to learn how to get through grief?
I feel like this book has helped me have a moment each day to sit and write and talk about Hope. I like it because I feel like if I didn't have this blog or this book I probably wouldn't take the time to think of her. It's kind of like my way of visiting her grave. I don't think I would do that without this book. It's easy to get caught up in the everyday tasks and this makes me slow down and check in with how I'm feeling about it and also gives me a chance to think of her.
In my book it says "People who suffer multiple losses of any kind during the same time frame or back-to-back are said to be experiencing 'grief overload.' In other words, they have been burdened with a degree of loss that would understandably exceed anyone's capacity to cope." Grief overload. I feel that. Grief that weighs you down and no matter how hard to try to swim sometimes it's like an anchor that pulls you down.
I feel like this book keeps telling me it's okay that I'm still not okay. But then in my mind I think of people that have lost babies they had to give birth to. Parents that have had children die. Or people losing a spouse. All of these things I feel like I've watched people go through and they all seem to be dealing and coping with life. Their grief seems like it would be more weighty than mine and yet they go on. I'm still struggling. I'm tired and sad and heartbroken still.
In another paragraph is says that if you find yourself struggling to find a grief counselor who can support and encourage you as you mourn. Maybe I need to start looking again for a counselor. I'm still on medication to help but there are somedays I wonder if it's actually helping. I feel like the last three or four days have been particularly hard. I don't feel okay. I'm making it through the days with all the tasks clicked off my to-do list but each task is excruciating. Before I would feel accomplished and now it feels like drudgery.
Today's prompt: If you don't already have a trusted grief counselor, ask your friends and family members for a referral.
If there are any friends that live near me that know of a grief counselor or even a counselor that has really helped them I would love a recommendation. I've had a couple friends refer me to people and I think I'll start calling tomorrow. I want to keep getting better and I feel like instead of going forward I'm moving backward. Hopefully I can find someone to help me back on track of going forward rather than back.