Day 53 of 100 Day of Grief and Hope
"Live your life from your heart. Share from your heart. And your story will touch and heal people's souls."
I've had a hard time wanting to sit down today and write today. This morning I spent close to three hours working on a short talk I'm giving at our relief society birthday party. I'm just feeling a little worn out from that and the rest of the day.
I had a friend ask me to talk about how to find joy in our journey. When she asked me in my mind I responded, "you've got to be kidding right?!" I just feel like the last couple of months haven't really reflected joy but upon further reflection I've realized that these months were some of the most joyful I've felt. When I told her I would do my best in speaking about it, I felt peace. I feel like that peace that settled over me is confirmation that I can say what needs to be said.
I'm scared though. I feel like the women in my ward are these spiritual giants. I truly feel like I'm a kindergartener trying to teach masters students. I've never felt very confident in how spiritual I am. In my life I haven't always made great decisions and was never very strong in my convictions. I feel like now at 32 I'm starting to get it though. I'm starting to get the importance of who I am and whose I am. But talking to and teaching these women things they've probably known all their lives is daunting to me. It's been hard to write because I'm so worried.
I've prayed to know what they need to hear. I've prayed that I can express it correctly and that I can say what they need. I'm worried about it though. As I've said I sat for three hours this morning trying to hash out what I wanted to say. I feel like for people to understand how I came to find joy I need to explain how I got there and that means I'll be sharing what I've been through the last couple of months. I hesitate to do this because in my mind I worry if that's really what I should share. I question my motives of wanting to share it. Am I doing it for attention? Am I doing it to get the poor you or look how far you've come responses? I don't think I am, I feel like I want to share it because I want them to understand the journey I've made from the darkest of places to the greatest joy I've felt in my life.
But I'm hesitant to share it. It's one thing to bare my soul to this blog, it's something completely different to do it in front of a bunch of women that I look up to and admire. That and I'm not sure I can get up there and share it vocally and be okay. As I wrote my story again today the tears fell and the heartache increased. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to share my story and I worry that people may be sick of hearing it.
I felt peace when I said yes but I hear those voices in my head that say, "you have nothing of worth to teach them, who are you speak of joy?, why are you trying to bring everyone down with your sorrows and grief, you're not good enough, etc." I know from who they come but it's hard to not listen. I have a friend that has told me on multiple occasions that I have the power to tell him to leave and I should.
But can I teach these women? Do I have anything of worth to say to them? I honestly don't know. I feel like I have what I know to be truths for me but maybe it won't ring true for them. I wonder if it's taking me this long to write it, am I on the right path? If I'm struggling this hard, is this what Heavenly Father wants them to hear? Or should I share something else?
It's very much a coincidence that tonight's chapter's heading says, "share your story." Except I don't believe in coincidences. I've shared my story in this blog, and I've shared parts of it with my friends but I don't think I've ever sat down with a person and told them the story vocally from start to beginning. It's not a different story but I have never actually vocalized it. I think that is why this may be so hard. To vocalize it is different that writing it. And I'm scared to do it. I'm scared to be vulnerable. But at the same time I want to tell people my story. I want them to know what it's like, I want them to know what I've learned, I want them to know what it's meant to me.
I'm realizing that I've never actually shared with Nick what it was like for me to go through it. He witnessed emotionally what it did to me but I've never talked to him about it. I've never told him the story from my point of view. Isn't it funny that because they were there you assume they know the story from your point of view. And I want to hear from him the story that he experienced. Maybe that will help us to come to terms with whether we should or shouldn't have children.
In the book it says, "acknowledging your loss of this baby is a painful, ongoing process that you will work on in doses over time. A vital part of doing yourself is telling the story to others. Each time you tell the story, it becomes a little more real and more an integral part of you." I loved that. It rang true to me that each time I try to share my story it makes it a little more real. But have you ever heard the advice to not let your trials define you? I wonder if dwelling on this and continuing to tell my story I'm letting this moment define me. But at the same time, I feel like it has defined me. Maybe defined isn't the right word. It has changed me. It has refined me.
I want to share my story, but I'm scared of peoples reactions. I'm scared of what people will think of me. As I type this a scripture or talk comes to mind how we should not worry about the thoughts of men but the thoughts of God. I forget where it comes from. I don't feel like God would ask me to stop telling my story. I feel like He would listen to me over and over again as I try to put into words what it's meant to me. I feel like God would want me to share it.
I loved the quote at the top. "Live your life from your heart. Share from your heart. And your story will touch and heal people's souls." I want to share from my heart. I want to share my story and I just hope that it may be of some benefit to others.