Finding Hope #3

"It's all about finding the calm in the chaos."

-Donna Karan

I'm not gonna lie.  It's been difficult to get here.  The last couple days have been...turbulent.  I was seriously on cloud nine the last post and I felt great and optimistic.  Now, I still don't doubt that things are going to be okay, it's just the exhaustion of doing all the things wears on you.  I am enjoying it, but I'm tired and it's hard to keep giving when your bucket is empty.

Since I've been teaching school to the kids I rarely get time to myself.  I haven't really got any consistent studying in the scriptures and my prayers have been spotty at best.  I can tell a difference.  I'm more snappy.  I'm easier to get upset and I just feel...not right.  I'm not sure what the word is to describe it.  I told a friend that I need to spend more time strengthening myself through prayer and scriptures because I'm not a good teacher and I'm not a good mom or wife when I don't put the Lord first.  

But it's hard to find the time.  I've tried to get up early to do it, but I can't get out of bed.  I'm so tired.  The last three nights I've been up until midnight doing lesson plans for my kids school as well as lesson plans for piano lessons.  I've been recording videos for my piano students and it's actually been kind of great because I can be flexible but it takes a lot of work between recording, preparing, and uploading and sending out emails.  I'm probably putting in double the amount of time to keep the piano lessons going but I feel strongly that letting the kids have some consistency whether it be piano lessons or what, it will help them deal with what we are going through.  I believe if we focus on the good things in our life and step away from the chaos while we read, play the piano, study the scriptures, or anything uplifting we will be able to manage everything.  

Can I tell you that I love teaching my kids though.  It can be rough but I love the flexibility it gives me and I love watching them learn.  My kids are kind of amazing.  I know every parent says that and they are right.  Kids are amazing!!  They learn and pick up on so much.  It's crazy!!  I can't imagine trying to learn all they are trying to learn and understanding it so well.  What a blessing it is to be able to see it.  I love it.  I love that I can add what I want to in each lesson.  I can teach them history, languages, about art and music in a way that public schools can't.  And I'm learning right along side them.  

But I do need to fill up my well.  I feel good about what I'm doing with my kids, and I feel like God is happy with what I'm trying to be and the mom I'm trying to become but I need that time with Him.  I need that time of inspiration and love and joy.  I need to find the time to do it and it needs to not be at the end of the day when I'm exhausted and not capable of really studying.  The thought that keeps coming into my mind is that I may not get the full hour of study but the time that I do have, if I consistently do it, the Lord will consecrate that time and give me the knowledge that usually takes an hour for me to get.  I just need to create that time.  And maybe that's something I incorporate into my kids school time.  In the morning we take 30 minutes of time learning about scriptures and learning about the gospel.  I just need to figure out how to do that when the kids aren't quite to the part of understanding the scriptures.  

If you have any ideas, throw them at me.  I've been using the come follow me but I usually just do them mostly on the Sundays.  But I like the idea of setting the tone for the rest of the day which scripture study, prayer, and learning about the gospel.  

I am really glad though that I have peace.  Everything is literally in chaos right now.  We had this crazy earthquake, we have our pandemic, there is so much fear and panic but I don't feel it.  I'm so grateful because I know where to find that peace.  I feel like going through what I did, prepared me for what we are going through now.  My perspective is changed.  Things in life can be hard, but this life is short and going through these challenges doesn't have to consume me.  I know the end of the story.  I know that some day soon the Savior will come and we will have peace.  It may not be in my lifetime but even if not, I get the joy of moving onto the next life and meeting my ancestors and teaching others.  It doesn't seem scary to me.  It makes me happy.  And it drowns out all the chaos.  I know how the story goes.  And I know where to find the peace.  

Having said that, there are still times where I falter.  I had more panic, fear and anxiousness yesterday than I did today.  Yesterday I went to the dentist to get two teeth filled and then right after I went to the hospital to start my iron infusions.  I wasn't nervous at first but half way through my first filling I was really uncomfortable.  I felt like I couldn't breath and my mouth hurt and I told myself, you can do hard things.  Think of the hard things you've gone through.  This isn't bad.  But my mind took me to my D&C.  And it almost sent me into a panic attack.  I'm grateful when I had that D&C I was in a haze of grief because now looking back on it, which I haven't really done until yesterday, it paralyzes me a bit.  I remember the emotional pain going into it.  The fear, the resignation, the loss of hope.  I remember the physical pain.  I was still sick and tired and worn down and I specifically remember being wheeled back and them trying to help me move to the operation table.  I remember pleading in my mind saying, "I don't want to do this" and then falling asleep.  I remember waking up and I was bleeding and I hurt and I couldn't wake up.  I hate coming out anesthesia.  I remember feeling empty.  I remember feeling exhausted.  

I remembered and felt all those things while at the dentist getting my teeth filled.  And it was overwhelming.  And I couldn't explain that I needed to stop or that I wasn't doing okay because I had them all up in my mouth so I pushed through but after I got in the car and just broke down.  I was completely caught off guard by feelings that I hadn't acknowledged from my D&C.   It was rough.  But I turned on the van, which ps, the stupid check engine light came back on but I was too exhausted to even care, and I drove.  I had about an hour between appointments so I drove towards the hospital and I saw the temple and decided to just go sit in the parking lot.  I wanted some peace.  

I tried to read the scriptures and pray.  I tried to find the peace and I think I did a little bit.  I didn't feel so out of control but I didn't really find the edification what I was looking for.  Which was difficult.  I had too many distractions and I should have turned them off.  My phone kept dinging from texts and reminders and I wasn't really able to pray meaningfully to find the calm.  But I was able to breath and stop my thoughts from spinning out of control.  

And then I went to the hospital and did the infusion and for some reason in my brain I thought doing an iron infusion would be easy peasy because I did so many infusions when I was pregnant but I wasn't prepared for the emotions that were tied to it.  I took me back again to when I was sick.  Back to when I was trying to keep my baby and myself alive.  And I sat in those feelings for three hours.  I can tell you that when you're down, satan jumps in.  He wants to bring you down further.  I started being irritated about the van, I was irritated at the nurses, I was irritated that I was stuck there.  I was just angry and frustrated and I gave into that, and I hate that I did.  Those three hours were difficult and I came home to my house just spent.  Just so done.  I snapped at my husband and children and I wasn't doing okay.  I should have told Nick I needed some time.  I didn't though and I pushed through and I said things I regretted and wasn't a great parent.  

Today I don't feel the panic, I don't feel the fear, but I feel depleted.  I need to spend time in the scriptures.  I need to spend time with my Heavenly Father and Savior.  It's not a want.  It's a need.  I'm realizing that your spirit really does get hungry if it isn't fed.  I wonder how many times I've starved it and been unhappy and not realized what it was that was wrong.  I think a lot of times when we feel just yucky we look at the physical but I'm realizing that if you don't care and feed your spirit it's just as bad as not feeding yourself food and water.  It feels just as painful.  

Anyway, I have great things in my life, but I'm still human.  I'm still figuring it out.  But I feel like even as I'm faltering and making mistakes, that's okay too.  It's helping me realize where I need to work on.  Things that I can be better at.  I'm so glad that I have the knowledge that I have.  I had the thought today that maybe this is our new normal.  Chaos.  Maybe this will be the test of can we find the peace in the chaos.  I've thought about the video the church did about Russell M Nielsen about how he talks about "mens hearts will fail them".  It makes sense in the craziness.  People's hearts are failing them.  They don't know where to turn to be okay.  It makes me sad for them, and it makes me want to share what I know with others.  I know not many people read my blog, and that's okay but I wish I could just have specific people read it.  To understand what they can have too.  I'm not sure if that makes sense.  Maybe the chaos will help lead people to Christ.  Maybe people will start searching for that peace because I think people don't really search for it when things are going well.  

I apologize for my ramblings but I love writing because it helps me think things through and I learn more when I can sit down and look at what I'm feeling and reaffirm the things that I know to be true.

I hope whoever is reading this blog that you are finding joy and hope in your everyday.  Find peace.  Find love.  Find Jesus Christ in your day.  I know He is there, reaching out to us.  We just have to look.