It continues

"Grief is like the ocean, it comes on waves ebbing and flowing.  Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming.  All we can learn to do is swim."

-Vicki Harrison

I realize I haven't come to this blog in quite a while.  The last post I was angry and sad and I just didn't want to any part of grieving.  I always thought that grief was going through the steps and once you went through one, you went to the next and you didn't come back to the others.  I've learned that isn't true.  I have peace one moment, anger the next.  It isn't as jarring as it used to be but there are still some days where I cry.  There are days when I'm angry about all of it.  There are days that it doesn't seem real, it feels so far away.  

Yesterday was a hard and something day.  I don't quite know the word to describe it.  Hopefully I can make my feelings make sense on this page.  Nick and I have been going back and forth on having more children.  It seems like the moment I'm on board with more kids, Nick thinks we should be done.  Then when I think I'm okay with being done, he wants more kids.  It goes back and forth.  It's been pretty difficult over the last couple of months.  

There are days where I just cry because it seems like so much pressure.  To permanently make a decision either way is difficult to face.  I've had the conversation with him that we need to both pray and get an answer about what to do and he told me he has but I have to be honest and say that I've been scared to pray.  I don't want an answer but at the same time sitting still with it is maddening.  Do I prepare for taking care for another newborn or do I start preparing for the time when I have Henry and Hannah both in school.  

I always thought that once my kids were in school I would either go back to school or get a job.  Hannah starts kindergarten this year so that is coming up soon when I'd need to make those decisions.  Or do I try again.  Do I try and have the possibility of losing another baby, or not be able to get pregnant and go through that madness.  It really does make you crazy.  You become a crazy person, tracking cycles, taking pregnancy tests only to have another month go by where you aren't pregnant.  You are looking for signs with everything, do my breasts hurt, am I peeing more, etc.  It breaks your heart every time you look at the stupid test that says negative or not pregnant.

Then by some miracle if I did get pregnant I would have to go through the sickness again.  I would have to deal with essentially starving to death for the first 12-24 weeks and the whole time worrying that this baby will be okay because the promise of if you're sick your fine apparently isn't true.  

Yesterday I was reading in the Book of Mormon about Ammon.  The Anti-Nephi-Lehi's were getting killed by the Lamanites and Ammon hating to watch his friends be killed told the king that they should go to the Nephites for help. The Lamanite king was hesitant because he thought the Nephites would try to kill them since they had killed Nephites previous to their conversion.  Ammon asked if he asked of the Lord and the Lord gave them permission would they go with him to the Nephites for help and the king said yes.  Anyway, as I was pondering this I was thinking about Ammon going to the Lord to ask for help and I started thinking about praying to know what we should do about having more children.  

It was also fast Sunday and I feel like my capacity to feel the spirit was stronger because of that as well as my ability to recognize what the answer was.  In my mind as I thought about all the hard things I would have to face to have another child a question that I'd never asked before came to my mind.  "Is it okay to be finished having children."  I've never asked if I can be done having children.  I've always asked should I have more.  And I never really got a clear answer.  But as I asked that question a peace settled over me that was undeniable.  I knew that the Lord was okay with me being done having children.  

I feel like it's taken me many months to come realization that I'm okay with my two beautiful children and having our family just as it is.  I'm happy to continue forward in our lives as we grow old together.  I'm okay with not having a new baby in the house.  

At the same time that I had my confirmation about being finished with having children the thought in my mind came, "will you help me mourn that I'm done having babies?"  I knew that we were okay to be done but I knew that it was going to take time for me to mourn.  I've wanted more babies for so long and I feel like I didn't realize with Hannah that all those special moments were going to be my last.  But I feel comfort in knowing that I have my answer and can move forward but also that it's okay to to be sad and mourn my idea of what I wanted our family to look like.  It's interesting that sometimes just giving yourself permission to feel something makes it infinitely more bearable.  

Anyway, I just wanted to come and write that it is now 9 months later and I'm still grieving.  I'm still morning.  In my first post I quoted someone that talked about how at first you're drowning in this ship wreck that is grief and then eventually the waves come farther and farther apart.  I still get hit by waves but in between the waves, I'm living.  I'm moving forward with my life, and that doesn't mean I'm forgetting my Hope.  Everyday as I look out my window I see her tree and my heart aches a little.  But I also know it's okay to enjoy life and look forward to a day that my family will be together forever.