Day 35 of 100 Days of Grief and Hope

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.  When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need."

-Tao Te Ching

Yesterday I didn't blog because it was an absolutely crazy and wonderful day.  I was exhausted at the end of it but it was a good exhaustion.  A happy contended exhaustion.  Nick and I and the kids were all sealed together at the Mount Timpanogos Temple.  It's hard to find the words to describe it all. Humbling, joyful, bittersweet, emotional, just all of the feels.  And it was amazing to have friends and family there with me through it all.

The morning started out really calm.  Nick and I slept in and were able to snuggle a bit before the we knew the craziness would ensue.  I woke up and started cleaning the kitchen and getting breakfast ready.  The kids were excited but happy and I felt just an overwhelming peace.  I wasn't irritated by the fact that the dishes didn't get done the night before.  The kids weren't eating but I really wanted to keep the peace I was feeling so I decided not to fight it.  I was working through my to do list and around nine am I started making the taco soup I was going to put in the crockpot for the lunch afterward.  I opened all the cans and was on my last can when it popped as I was opening the can.  It scared me and I jerked back the can lid sliced into my right hand ring finger.

I should say that I have been waiting all week for something to happen.  Whenever Nick or myself has tried to complete an ordinance something has happened.  When I went and got my endowments out Henry was probably 8-9 months old and a couple days before he started having an allergic reaction.  At first it was just hives but as the next few days went on his hives turned purple and he screamed in pain.  We took him to the children's hospital because no one could tell us what it was.  It ended up being some weird reaction to his antibiotics he had been on.  It was super rare and there was nothing we could do with him.  I remember thinking that I would be a terrible parent to leave Henry and go through the temple.  What kind of mother would I be to selfishly put her wants above my sons comfort?  I went through the temple and almost immediately his hives started disappearing and he turned back into my sweet little guy.  He wasn't in pain anymore.  

When Nick was getting baptized the night before Henry started throwing up.  Like so much.  We were so worried because we couldn't get him to stop throwing up.  We figured we'd have to cancel his baptism but I was reminded that there would be a lot of opposition to Nick getting baptized so I told him that I thought we should just continue on and I believed Henry would be fine.  That morning Henry awoke and he was fine besides being really tired.  

When Nick was getting confirmed he had a huge bout of anxiousness to the point that he almost called it off.  I remember him just kind of shutting down and I reminded him that there was going to be opposition and I thought he should just push through and that he would be blessed for it.  Nick did and even though he was really nervous I know that it made it easier for him to do other things later on that required him to be the center of attention.

Anyway the point is that I was just waiting for something to happen.  I remember thinking that morning when I felt so much peace that maybe we would make it through without some kind of craziness.  And then the can attacked me.  I yelled to Nick, "It happened!  I found it."  Nick started yelling, "no! no! no!"  By this point he knew it for what it was too.  I put it under the sink and Nick looked at it and knew I would need stitches.  We called a good friend and asked her to help finish getting the kids ready because we had no idea when we'd make it back.  We were supposed to leave at 10:30 and by this point it was about 9:30.  I was a bit frantic trying to decide what to do.  Nick was taking me to the instacare but I didn't know how busy they would be and I couldn't get them to answer the phone to find out.  My friend that took my kids offered to super glue my finger but I was worried about getting an infection from the can.  

I made it to the instacare and told the secretary in tears that I thought I needed stitches but I needed to be to the temple to get sealed by 10:30.  Would it be possible to be out of there in less than 30 minutes??  She told me yes, she thought they could make it happen.  I sat for maybe 5 minutes and started calling the temple to let them know the situation and what I could do.  They told me I could reschedule or just come late.  I told them I thought I could get there by 11:30 and they said they would make it work.

During that phone call I was called back and the sweet nurse over heard what I was saying and told us that she too knew it was because we were going to the temple.  She said that she was going through temple prep and every time she was supposed to have a lesson something happened.  When I got back to the room I waited for maybe another 5 minutes or so and the doctor came in.  He looked at my finger and told me that yes, I would need stitches to make it stop bleeding and not just the dermaglue.  He got it all ready and I told them I was not going to watch.

I was filled with so much adrenaline and anxiety which was silly considering the last few months.  I had been stabbed and poked and prodded for two months with my pregnancy.  And they would dig around trying to find veins.  It was not pleasant but him poking a needle in my finger put me over the edge.  Everything started getting kind of fuzzy and I asked for them to help me lay down and that was the last I remember.  The next thing I remember was the nurse saying my name.  I was covered in sweat and felt terrible.  She told me I had passed out and gave me a sucker to help boost my sugar.  Luckily the doctor had already done most of the stitches and I could no longer feel my finger.

He did it so fast and everyone was amazing trying to help us get out of there.  I got a tetanus shot and worked through the fog to get out of the room and to the car.  It was 10am and I still hadn't showered, I was now covered in sticky sweat and felt super nauseous.  We got home and my parents had just gotten there and had picked up the kids to help shower and dress them.  I sat on the couch and ate a cheese stick trying to make myself feel good enough to go shower and get ready.  I powered through and with the help of my parents and my sister-in-law helping with my hair and making sure I had all the things we made it out of the house at 11:00am.  

The temple was 30 minutes away so we got there around 11:30 and most of our friends and family were already there waiting for us.  We took the kids to the children's room and Nick and I were lead around to get our clothes and finish paper work.  We both changed and were taken up to the celestial room to sit while they got everything else ready for us.  We sat down on the couch and right across the room from me was that friend that I had struggled with.  The one that was with me in young women's and that had found out she was pregnant the same time as me.  I was surprised by it but then moments later this beautiful lady walked passed me who was pregnant.  The tears flowed as I came face to face with something that I wanted so much.  I was supposed to be there with my kids and my new born baby.  The thing that surprised me though was the anger that I felt was gone toward that friend.  Yes, it was hard to see her still but I no longer felt any hard feelings.  

I'm a strong believer that there are no such things as coincidences.  I believe that those two ladies were there and I was there at the same time for some purpose.  I'm still not sure what it was, as it felt a little like salt in the wounds but it didn't ruin my day.  We continued on and were sealed to each other and then they brought in our children to get sealed to us.  When Henry and Hannah walked in through the door all the emotions hit.  I was so grateful to have my two beautiful children there with me as we held each other's hands as we were sealed.  It was perfect.  The pain wasn't there, all I could feel was incredible joy to have my sweet family all together.

As I returned back to the dressing room the tears came again.  I told the sweet temple worker there how it had been beautiful but I was also feeling a bit of heartache from not having my baby with me there.  She reminded me that we were all sealed together now and so I should focus on the joy of knowing that I would get to be with her forever now.  

The rest of the day was a bit of a blur but I had so much joy knowing that I had my family there as well as many of the friends that had supported and loved me through the last couple months.  It was a perfect day.  Yes, there was heartache but there was also joy and peace.  There was anxieties and stress but at the end of the day I felt content and peaceful knowing that family was now sealed together.  The peace I felt made me know that the choices we had made getting there were worth it and the Lord was happy with our decisions.  

I've been thinking if I should continue writing this blog.  I feel like overall I just feel peace.  My heart is still sad at moments and I tell my Heavenly Father that I understand that she was needed there but I'm still so sad that for now I don't have her with me.  I think He understands my feelings and has compassion for the grief that I still feel.  Last time I blogged it hit me that my blog should no longer be called 100 Days of Grief.  It needed to be 100 Days of Grief and Hope.  My little Hope baby has helped me through the difficult moments and I believe she reminds me that there is hope in all things.  There is hope in grief and mourning.  There is hope in suffering and despair.  

I'm not sure if I will be writing each day for this next week because I'm finding that some of the topics I have made it through and am having a hard time talking about them from the other side.  I haven't decided yet or not if I will continue to the 100 Days.  I want to help others but I'm not sure if what I'm writing now is uplifting to those that are in the thick of it.  I also am struggling because of not having the use of a finger on my right hand.  So if the days are spread out a bit it's because I'm thinking about the topics or it's too difficult to type without a finger :).  

Tomorrow I'm going to attempt to write about what I was supposed to cover tonight as I feel like I have quite a few thoughts about it.  I still enjoy coming and taking the time each day to write the feelings I have in my heart whether it is about the miscarriage or how I'm learning each day the things that bring me peace and comfort.  For today though I feel more Hope than grief and am very grateful for that.