Day 13 of 100 Days of Grief

"This pouring thoughts out on paper has relieved me.  I feel better and full of confidence and resolution."

-Diet Eman

I made it through today!  I've been anxious all day leading up to piano lessons.  Yesterday with my 19 task to do list I cleaned the whole house and today I didn't know what to do.  I couldn't seem to sit still.  I tried reading, knitting, playing with Hannah but I kept checking my to-do list looking for something I could accomplish or check off.  The little box of teach piano lessons was taunting me all day. 

The lessons went really well though.  I was worried about me being patient enough to handle the two boys but they were so well behaved.  They usually are but I just had this fear built up in my head.  I don't feel like I know what I'm doing with piano anymore.  I'm sure as I teach more it will come back.  It was a little difficult at the end when one of the boys asked why we had such a long break.  I wasn't sure what to say.  I told him that I was sick and then we had Thanksgiving break and Christmas break.  It appeased him but my heart hurt a little bit.  

Today I've been working on forgiveness.  I've had people hurt me in the past and forgiveness never seemed like a hard thing.  I just moved forward and forgot about it.  I'd be angry and then ignore it and move on.  Maybe it's because I'm so worried about getting stuck in my anger but I'm really worried about forgiving others that have hurt me. 

There really haven't been many people that have done things to hurt me.  I think I'm probably just a lot more sensitive right now and in the past couple months.  But today I've really been thinking about how to forgive people.  How do you do it?  I've tried praying about it and it helped me a bit today but I still have hurt feelings towards people.  

I looked for talks and scriptures but all I've really gotten is "Jesus has forgiven you so you need to forgive others." Which I get.  But how do you actually work through those feelings to where it doesn't hurt so much and you can go back to the relationship you had before?  How do you just say, "okay, I forgive you"?  After feeling like I hadn't made much progression on how to forgive others I asked google.  I know that sounds silly but I wasn't really sure where else to find answers. 

I found an article written by Andrea Brandt on the Psychology Today website.  As I was reading through she made a list of what forgiveness wasn't.  Here is the list: 

• Forgiveness doesn't mean you are pardoning or excusing the other person's actions.
• Forgiveness doesn't mean you need to tell the person that he or she is forgiven.
• Forgiveness doesn't mean you shouldn't have any more feelings about the situation.
• Forgiveness doesn't mean there is nothing further to work out in the relationship or that everything is okay now.
• Forgiveness doesn't mean you should forget the incident ever happened.
• Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to continue to include the person in your life.
• ... and forgiveness isn't something you do for the other person.

After looking through this list of what it isn't I really started to wonder what it was then.  I honestly thought that forgiveness was being able to move on with the relationship without having hard feelings towards them.  That you were supposed to come out on the other side not feeling anything but love towards the person.  I guess I'm a bit conflicted on it.  

What I really worry about is how to protect my heart.  I'm scared to trust them with my thoughts and my feelings because of how they reacted to them.  I'm scared because I'm not strong enough to just brush those things off.  They hurt more than they normally would.  So for now I feel like the only way to be okay is to just not communicate with them because then they don't hurt me.  But is that really forgiving them?

Then I also worry am I just over reacting to their responses.  Is it not forgiveness that I need to worry about?   Do I need to say sorry to them because I'm in the wrong?  I don't know.  I'm feeling very confused by it all.  I really want to resolve it.  I don't like feeling upset and hurt towards someone.  Especially friends and family that I love.  

Any advise out there?  I'd love a little direction.  

Today's prompt is about keeping a journal.  Ha!  I feel like I win at this one.  I'm doing something right.  I've always felt relieved and soothed after writing in a journal or just writing to understand my feelings.  I have three large journals finished and countless more with random thoughts in them.  I seem to always lose them and then I start in another so they are all rather random.  But it has always helped me work through thoughts and feelings.  

I guess in a way this has become my journal too.  

Today's prompt is: Stop by your local bookstore and choose a book you like the look of and feel of.  Visit a park on your way home, find a quiet bench, and write your first entry.

There is nothing I love more than finding a journal I love.  I used to travel a lot and the one thing I always had to find on my trips was a new journal.  I have journals from all over the world and I love them.  Maybe I will start a new search for a journal.  I've had the thought that I want to have a journal that I write to Hope in.  I have journals for Henry and Hannah that I write things about them that are funny or memorable things from the day.  I haven't been the best at them in the last couple years but maybe this will be a fresh start for that too.  I think I will find pleasure in finding the perfect journal for Hope to talk with her and love on her through my words.   Maybe I can share with her all the things I was looking forward to.  I'm not sure if that will end up being too heart breaking but I wonder if it will help me feel like she isn't forgotten.  That she is still part of our family even though she isn't with us.  I hope she knows how much she is loved.  How much I think of her.  Maybe with this journal I can show her.