Day 17 of 100 Days of Grief
"There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
-Winnie the Pooh
Today's actual prompt since I'm doing two in one days is about your other children and their grief. The heading says "be loving toward your children". When I first lost Hope I was so lost in my own mind that I didn't think of others grief. I didn't think that this was affecting more than just me. I figured the kids wouldn't understand. We talked to them about her dying but they didn't really seem to understand. It didn't really phase them. Hannah cried but I thought it was more because she was tired.
Now as I look back I wish I had been more compassionate and understanding with both of them. Henry was still in school at that time and I remember getting an email from his teacher about a week later. She told me that Henry was struggling at school and she took him aside and talked to him and in tears he told her that his baby had died. The teacher was amazing and hugged him and told him that if he ever needed some time to himself that he could have it. She was so loving and compassionate with him when I wasn't able to see past my own pain. Henry still hasn't talked about the baby to me and I struggle with that but it's nice to know that others are looking out for him.
Hannah did cry when we told her and she was so sad because she wanted a sister. I remember her thinking it was like losing a pet for her but I've come to understand that it effected her more than I thought. Each night for weeks after she'd pray for the baby in mommy's tummy. It was so incredibly hard to hear each night and one night I snapped at her and told her to stop praying for her because she was dead. After that she stopped praying for her.
She is also incredibly aware of how I'm feeling. She is always the first to pick on up if I'm crying or if I'm hurting. The question she always asks is, "are you sad because of the baby?" Every time the answer is yes.
In the book it talks about that if they don't express grief directly they will show it in other ways. It talks about how they may show they are sad or anxious by being irritable, angry, distractibility, decreased motivation, and disorganization. As I look back I know Henry and Hannah struggled with these but thought it was just because now I was there enforcing the schedule and rules and it was a change for them. I wish I had known that it was because they might have been hurting.
Today's prompt: Gather together as a family in a comfortable room in the house. Go around and have each person share how he or she is feeling since the miscarriage. You may uncover some memories, fears, or questions that you didn't know were present in the house.
I feel terrible that I haven't been more aware of what they've been feeling and now I wonder if I bring it up will they remember or even want to talk about it? It's been over two months now. I'm really nervous to actually hear what they say. I think it's going to take some emotional strength on my part to listen to what they say. Will they say that they don't remember? Do they actually understand what was going on?