Day 16 of 100 day of Grief


"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.  If you want to be happy practice compassion."
-Dalai Lama


I skipped yesterdays blog.  I was just at the end of what I had to give.  I didn't do much yesterday but the constant moving and doing from the rest of the week caught up to me.  I can't sit without feeling guilty now.  I feel like this week has ben filled with guilt.  Guilt that I'm not helping others.  Guilt that I haven't been a great mom to my kids.  Guilt that I didn't do my blog last night. 

I know in this blog it keeps saying to have compassion towards yourself but I feel guilty.  I can't seem to shake the guilt.  It's like this bag of heavy rocks that I'm carrying with me through the days.  I tell myself that I've been through hard things and that I'm doing the best I can but it hasn't seemed to help.  I've been trying to change my thoughts but when I get so tired it's very hard to do that.  And then I sit with my bag of rocks crying at the end of the day. 

It really is like the saying two steps forward one step back.  Just a few days ago I was feeling hopeful and excited at what I was accomplishing.  Yesterday and today my body hurts and my mind hurts and I can't seem to cope with anything.  I can't talk about anything without crying.  I can't think through decisions.  I can't function it feels like.  I really wish I could just lay in bed today.  But then I would feel guilty for not spending time with my family.  

Last night I actually ruined a freezer pizza.  Cooking has been so hard through this.  I know it's silly, because it's just cooking but I get really frustrated because it's something so basic.  It's not hard things.  I ruined the pizza by putting it in with the cardboard on the bottom of it.  I didn't even think about it.  I just put it in, placed a timer and walked away.  And so the kids ate chicken nuggets for probably the 5th time this week.

Nick and I have been trying to eat healthier and focus on eating foods with lower carbs.  We haven't figured out all the things that are easy to eat for each meal.  Wednesday I put some eggs into the instant pot to hard boil them for egg salad sandwiched on Ezekiel bread.  I put 20 eggs in and put the timer on for 5 minutes and started cleaning up the kitchen.  I realized that if I was going to get my run in I needed to go start in time to be done so I could pick up Hannah from preschool.  I went downstairs and started running and when I came back up they had been in there for 33 minutes.  I opened the instant pot up to burned eggs.

The next day I started another 20 eggs because I had nothing I needed to do at the moment.  I was going to clean the kitchen but I wasn't going anywhere and I didn't need to go downstairs.  Then I got a Marco Polo from a friend who was struggling and I went in my room to talk to her.  I didn't think I was in there that long and even Hannah came in to try and tell me that it beeped but I shushed her and told her to not interrupt.  I came out to them and they were in there for 20 minutes.  I had burned another 20 eggs.

At that point we were out of eggs and we have been trying this week not to spend any money.  We were going to try and just eat what we had.  Finances have been tight and I've tried so hard to find ways to cut spending and food was one of the best ones I could do that.  But Nick and I eat eggs every morning and I had another 4 days with nothing for us to eat for breakfast.  I went to the store and spent the money for more eggs.

I just feel like I keep making mistakes that cost us money and the harder I try to be better the more I fail.  I'm not frustrated at the cooking or the finances, I'm frustrated that I can't do simple tasks.  I can understand every once in a while forgetting food or messing up finances or whatever but it's every single day, multiple times through out the day.  

Today's prompt is about being compassionate with your partner as they grieve.  I've been terrible at this.  My poor husband has had the load of all of our family and he has never ever complained.  Not once.

My husband doesn't really express much emotion.  I think I've seen him cry maybe twice since we've been married.  I still remember as we drove home and he came around to open my door he fell into me and just sobbed.  It was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen.  He sat and cried for maybe five minutes and then he stood up and helped me out and from that moment he's been holding us all up.  

I don't mean to put so much on him and I want to let him grieve but I don't know how to help with that.  It talks about how men's grief looks different than ours and sometimes they jump back into work to work through it.  I just hope that I'm not making it so he can't grieve because I have loaded him with so much.  

Today's prompt: Take 10 minutes or more today to sit down with your partner.  Talk to one another about accusing or judging.  Look at each other, connect by holding each other's hands, and talk about any unreconciled feelings you have about your miscarriage.  

I had a friend who asked me if this miscarriage has caused any problems between us or brought us closer together.  It caught me off guard.  I don't think it has done either.  I think if anything it made me more grateful for the amazing husband that he is.  I've always known he's been amazing but all the things he's done for our family and compassionate way that he's alway talked and cared for me has taught me even more that he is the greatest man I've ever met.  He's so patient with me as I've struggled.  With the swinging emotions he is always there no matter the mood.  I think if anything I see how blessed I am to have him with me each and every day.  

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