Day 14 of 100 Days of Grief

"We are all the pieces of what we remember."
- Casandra Clare

Today was a pretty good day.  I wasn't as emotional today.  At least not super weepy like I have been the last two days.  Yesterday Hannah was listening to the Frozen 2 soundtrack and the song, "The Next Right Thing" came on.  If you haven't heard it, it is about Anna mourning the loss of her sister Elsa and a lot of the words really resonate with how I'm feeling.  My eyes started to water as we were listening.  Hannah looked up with me and with wide eyes she ran towards the google and hurry and said, "google next!"  She came to me and told me that she wouldn't listen to that song anymore because it made me sad.  My sweet little Hannah is always so aware of how I'm feeling and she tries to protect me from things that make me sad.  

Today was good though.  I'm still worried that I'm trying to do too much but I'm not sure how to just sit.  I had another piano lesson and today instead of fear and dread I was excited!  I came out of it feeling happy and accomplished.  It helped that my student told me she had been practicing because she knew lessons were starting up again.  Even with how much emotion it takes out of me when I teach piano I forgot that it also makes me happy too.  

It was also nice today because I was able to see my improvements in different things.  When I first decided to start exercising I was going to try and do the couch to 5k.  I figured since I had lost all the weight it would be easier to start up again.  The first night I tried and I couldn't even make it half way through the training.  It was really disheartening.  I called a friend and told her how upset I was.  She told me that I shouldn't forget how much my body had gone through and not to be discouraged.  I started again two days later determined that I would just do half of it.  Well now it is 2 months later and I am on week 2!  I know that doesn't sound like much but before I couldn't even run.  Now it doesn't hurt as much and I'm actually enjoying it.  It's something I look forward to every other day.  

In yoga tonight I was going through a sun salutation and there is a part where you bend in half and touch your hands to the ground. When I started I couldn't even touch my toes.  Tonight I happily exclaimed to Nick, "LOOK AT MY HANDS".  They were both palms down on the ground and my knees were straight.  Also while doing my chaturanga which is basically a plank where you lower yourself down down to the ground with control I was amazed at the smooth control and my elbows were tucked and it wasn't hard!  When I started I could barely hold up my body and then it would slam into the ground as I tried to get to the next pose.

I've also made some progress with my relationship with God.  I got an answer.  The heavens aren't closed anymore.  My heart still hurts as I pray and try to read the scriptures but I'm finding peace and comfort in them.  Before I was angry and resentful and hurt.  They only filled me with pain and confusion.  

It seems like I'm improving in my mood as well.  I'm able to recognize the good things in my life.  It doesn't mean I don't have pain but I'm able to take the good things in that moment and be joyful in them.  I remember when I started this blog I couldn't see anything but pain.  Now the pain still comes in waves but for longer stretches of time I'm able to appreciate what I have and be happy.  

I still feel like I have a long ways to go but it's nice to see improvement and get excited about how far I've come.  Maybe it's not as fast as I've wanted or as smoothly but there is still movement forward.  Two steps forward and one step back.  But at least I'm moving.  

Today's prompt is: Talk to someone you trust about what you saw or did not see during or after your miscarriage.  Acknowledging the reality of your loss is a vital part of your grief journey, yet you may feel uncertain about what you lost and how it happened.  Sometimes just talking this through will help you begin to come to terms with the reality of your unique loss.

 I've thought about it and each of my miscarriages have been different.  The first I just spotted for months and I couldn't figure out what the problem was.  My sister-in-law told me to take a pregnancy test and I did and that's how I found out I was also losing the baby.

The second miscarriage was a bit harder.  I think I was 6 weeks along and knew I was pregnant.  I had bought maternity clothes because I was so excited.  Then when using the bathroom I wiped and found blood.  I panicked and starting crying saying, "no, no, no!"  I had figured the first miscarriage was a fluke.  I'd learned in my medical classes that early miscarriages were really quite common and people just figured their period moved a bit.  But with this one it meant there was something wrong with me.  Also when my body was removing the baby it was a lot harder.  I bled a lot.  I cramped a lot.  I remember spending the night in the bathroom crying and praying saying I couldn't do this alone.  I was comforted with peace as my body passed that baby.  I didn't see anything other than blood and what I assumed was clots. But it was still hard to think that my baby was just flushed down the toilet.  I tried to just think of it as tissue.  

The third as you've read by now is my undoing.  I feel like in a way I chose the easy way out - having a D&C.  I feel like I should have had to face what my baby was.  I should have passed it naturally and seen her.  Instead I was put to sleep and woke up with her gone.  I didn't see anything.  I didn't feel the pain of it physically.  I feel like I should have.  I don't really know why.  

It was the fingers and toes.  That picture is still in my mind.  The fingers and the toes made her real.  I think if I hadn't seen them I could have passed it naturally and told myself again that it was just tissue.  But her fingers and toes were what told me she was a baby.  

I also remember seeing her at the bottom of my uterus motionless.  I kept willing her to move but it was like she had sunk to the bottom of my uterus and died.  Kind of like I expected her to be at the top moving and with death she drowned.  I know that sounds so weird but that's what I thought when I saw her.  She was dead and I knew it at that first miscarriage.  

As I said in a previous post I still have my CD with the images the ultrasound tech took at my second ultrasound.  I never actually saw any of that.  He had his screen turned away from me so I don't know what I'll see.  I'm a bit scared of that part.  I don't know how traumatizing that will be to see her again.  I want to see her but I don't.  I wonder if I should just look.  Maybe it will bring me peace.  Maybe it will bring it all back and I'll fall apart.  Its a bit like pandoras box.  

Tonight I'm going to focus on the progress I've seen.  It's God's tender mercies that I'm trying to look for in my life.  Hoping to move forward and heal and hopefully become a better person.  It seems like it's one way I can honor Hope.  


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