100 Days of Grief

"We never lose our loved ones.  They accompany us; they don't disappear from our lives.  We are merely in different rooms." -Paulo Coelho I have to be honest.  There are some days I just don't want to write in this blog.  I don't want or have the energy to do it.  Tonight is one of those nights.  It's been a rough day.  I was an emotional basket case swinging from one emotion to the next.  It's been exhausting.  Tonight I think I'm going to go straight to the prompt. The prompt talks about what they did to dispose of the your baby.  That sounds so terrible to me.  But I'm supposed to make peace with it.  I've struggled with this one a bit.  It's not something I want to make my brain go to.  My baby was scooped out of my body and treated as medical waste.  Which means it was collected and the sent to a place where it was incinerated.  But really there weren't really any good choices for me....

"We are all the pieces of what we remember." - Casandra Clare Today was a pretty good day.  I wasn't as emotional today.  At least not super weepy like I have been the last two days.  Yesterday Hannah was listening to the Frozen 2 soundtrack and the song, "The Next Right Thing" came on.  If you haven't heard it, it is about Anna mourning the loss of her sister Elsa and a lot of the words really resonate with how I'm feeling.  My eyes started to water as we were listening.  Hannah looked up with me and with wide eyes she ran towards the google and hurry and said, "google next!"  She came to me and told me that she wouldn't listen to that song anymore because it made me sad.  My sweet little Hannah is always so aware of how I'm feeling and she tries to protect me from things that make me sad.   Today was good though.  I'm still worried that I'm trying to do too much but I'm not sure how to just sit.  I had anoth...

"This pouring thoughts out on paper has relieved me.  I feel better and full of confidence and resolution." -Diet Eman I made it through today!  I've been anxious all day leading up to piano lessons.  Yesterday with my 19 task to do list I cleaned the whole house and today I didn't know what to do.  I couldn't seem to sit still.  I tried reading, knitting, playing with Hannah but I kept checking my to-do list looking for something I could accomplish or check off.  The little box of teach piano lessons was taunting me all day.  The lessons went really well though.  I was worried about me being patient enough to handle the two boys but they were so well behaved.  They usually are but I just had this fear built up in my head.  I don't feel like I know what I'm doing with piano anymore.  I'm sure as I teach more it will come back.  It was a little difficult at the end when one of the boys asked why we had such a long...

"Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm." -Unkown I overdid it today.  Last night I was so scared of this week.  I found myself in my Box of Hope looking through the things and just feeling.  I miss her so much.  It still hurts.  I couldn't sleep after that.  My mind was restless and wrestling with all the thoughts and feelings.  Around 2 am I got up and laid on the couch so I didn't wake up Nick with my tossing and turning.  I went and sat on the chair in our living room and stared into the darkness.  That numbness came back and eventually I fell asleep.   With little sleep I woke up with my alarm at 6:00 am determined not to make Henry late.  The last couple of weeks before the break Henry was late most days.  I feel bad about it and I'm sure his teacher was probably pretty frustrated with me but it was all I could do to get out of bed.  Poor Henry was lucky if he got a bowl ...

"Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time." -John Lubbock This last week has felt like I've finally figured out how to care for myself in a kind and caring way.  Earlier on in the book it talked about the words bereaved and compassion.  Did you know that bereaved literally means "to be torn apart" and "to have special needs".  I wish people understood that better.  That it literally feels like you are torn apart.  But the author talks about what compassion means.  It means "with passion" which seems pretty common sense but when put in the context having compassion for yourself it takes on a bit of a different meaning.  It means to care for yourself with passion.  This last week I've felt like I'm starting to understand what it means to be compassionate and gentle...

" God has mercifully ordered that the human brain works slowly.  First the blow; hours afterwards, the bruise. " -Walter de la Mare Today's prompt is about allowing for numbness.  I remember after coming home from the doctor and talking with the children I couldn't sleep.  Nick fell asleep and I went in the front room and sat in the chair.  I remember just sitting there.  Tears were streaming down my face but I felt so numb.  Just unable to understand what was going on.  That numbness continued the next day until I had to face what I had do next.   The weeks after I alternated between numbness and falling apart.  I remember people wanting to talk about it and there were times where I felt so callous because I'd tell them my story and I was completely straight faced.  No tears.  Like I was reciting a story from someone else's life.  Then there were times when I couldn't even start thinking about it without br...

"You must be at the end of your rope.  I felt a tug." -Unkown Today I laughed.  Like a real laugh.  I've tried to chuckle or force laughs before now because it was socially acceptable but today I had a real laugh and smiled.  Automatically I felt guilty.  I felt guilty because I felt like in some way I was disgracing Hope.  Like she would feel sad because I was happy without her.  It was really confusing.  I want to be happy but I don't want to move on without her.  In my support group there was a lady that said something that really helped me.  She said that sometimes we think that if we let go of the pain and the sadness that means we will forget our baby.  She said that in time we will find that isn't true.  It was a light bulb moment that it was okay to be happy or laugh about something it didn't mean I was forgetting Hope.  I still feel conflicted but it was nice to remind myself that no matter what feeling...