100 Days of Grief

"Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time." -John Lubbock This last week has felt like I've finally figured out how to care for myself in a kind and caring way.  Earlier on in the book it talked about the words bereaved and compassion.  Did you know that bereaved literally means "to be torn apart" and "to have special needs".  I wish people understood that better.  That it literally feels like you are torn apart.  But the author talks about what compassion means.  It means "with passion" which seems pretty common sense but when put in the context having compassion for yourself it takes on a bit of a different meaning.  It means to care for yourself with passion.  This last week I've felt like I'm starting to understand what it means to be compassionate and gentle...

" God has mercifully ordered that the human brain works slowly.  First the blow; hours afterwards, the bruise. " -Walter de la Mare Today's prompt is about allowing for numbness.  I remember after coming home from the doctor and talking with the children I couldn't sleep.  Nick fell asleep and I went in the front room and sat in the chair.  I remember just sitting there.  Tears were streaming down my face but I felt so numb.  Just unable to understand what was going on.  That numbness continued the next day until I had to face what I had do next.   The weeks after I alternated between numbness and falling apart.  I remember people wanting to talk about it and there were times where I felt so callous because I'd tell them my story and I was completely straight faced.  No tears.  Like I was reciting a story from someone else's life.  Then there were times when I couldn't even start thinking about it without br...

"You must be at the end of your rope.  I felt a tug." -Unkown Today I laughed.  Like a real laugh.  I've tried to chuckle or force laughs before now because it was socially acceptable but today I had a real laugh and smiled.  Automatically I felt guilty.  I felt guilty because I felt like in some way I was disgracing Hope.  Like she would feel sad because I was happy without her.  It was really confusing.  I want to be happy but I don't want to move on without her.  In my support group there was a lady that said something that really helped me.  She said that sometimes we think that if we let go of the pain and the sadness that means we will forget our baby.  She said that in time we will find that isn't true.  It was a light bulb moment that it was okay to be happy or laugh about something it didn't mean I was forgetting Hope.  I still feel conflicted but it was nice to remind myself that no matter what feeling...

"Here is the world.  Beautiful and terrible things will happen.  Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner I feel like that last post was kind of all over the place.  I'm having a hard time concentrating.  That is something I wasn't expecting.  Doing normal everyday things is hard.  I can't focus on things for very long and something I've done multiple times is incredibly difficult.  I remember there was one day that I was trying to give Hannah a shower.  I washed her hair and cleaned her body and got her out of the tub.  I told her to go get dressed and then I went and got in the shower myself.  I remember her trying to tell me something outside my bathroom and I couldn't hear her and I was so frustrated.  I got out of the shower and opened the door and yelled at her that I just needed five minutes to shower.  She looked up at me and said, "but mom my head itches."  I looked in her hair and I had forgotten to wash ...

"An identity would seem to be arrived at by the way in which the person faces and uses his experience." -James Baldwin I was supposed to do this prompt yesterday but to be honest New Years Day was a bit hard for me for all the reasons I talked about in my previous post.  I stayed busy with my husband organizing random sections of the house.  Then I was able to go to a support group for people who have experienced infant loss, miscarriage, etc.  It was really helpful and I've been thinking about it all day today.  It was also really emotionally draining.  We all had such heavy hearts but I think everyone felt comforted that as we talked we all understood each other.   It was really refreshing to hear others express thoughts that I had that I've been scared to share with others because they sound crazy.  Thoughts like "I wish I had died with this baby."  I feel like anyone that hasn't felt this loss would think we were all suicid...

"Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us." -Oscar Wilde It's New Years Eve today.  Today has been hard.  I'm pretty sure I write that every day but today has been more so.  I went to breakfast with a friend and I enjoyed the time with her but came home feeling heavy.  I kept trying to push through.  I wanted to do something the kids would enjoy and I had errands I had to do.  Now I'm curled up in bed not wanting to do anything more.  Today I wasn't gentle with myself but I've felt so guilty my children are stuck in this home with a mother who can't seem to stop crying and who isn't completely present.  I wasn't expecting to day to be hard but watching on social media as everyone has recapped their year made me look back at this last year.  Everyone seems to be excited about the future year and I'm not.  I don't want to move forward without my baby.  I don't want to move further in time because it's lik...

" We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. " Kenji Miyazawa Today I got out the to do list.  I was making my way through it, keeping busy.  While running I was watching a show and a certain song just sent me reeling.  It wasn't even about miscarriage or anything related but the feeling of the song just triggered the sadness in me and I cried through the rest of my running.  It seems like each day is getting a bit easier but I still get caught off guard by the enormity of the emotions.  It's like each day I get a reminder that my baby did die and it's like I am experiencing hearing those words, "there is no heartbeat" all over again.  I think during the rest of the day I can make it through the day pretending like it was all a bad dream.  But then something reminds me that wave of grief covers me.   Today I think I'm prepared to write about yesterdays prompt.  I'm going to combine it with today's prompt....