100 Days of Grief

"You must be at the end of your rope.  I felt a tug." -Unkown Today I laughed.  Like a real laugh.  I've tried to chuckle or force laughs before now because it was socially acceptable but today I had a real laugh and smiled.  Automatically I felt guilty.  I felt guilty because I felt like in some way I was disgracing Hope.  Like she would feel sad because I was happy without her.  It was really confusing.  I want to be happy but I don't want to move on without her.  In my support group there was a lady that said something that really helped me.  She said that sometimes we think that if we let go of the pain and the sadness that means we will forget our baby.  She said that in time we will find that isn't true.  It was a light bulb moment that it was okay to be happy or laugh about something it didn't mean I was forgetting Hope.  I still feel conflicted but it was nice to remind myself that no matter what feeling...

"Here is the world.  Beautiful and terrible things will happen.  Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner I feel like that last post was kind of all over the place.  I'm having a hard time concentrating.  That is something I wasn't expecting.  Doing normal everyday things is hard.  I can't focus on things for very long and something I've done multiple times is incredibly difficult.  I remember there was one day that I was trying to give Hannah a shower.  I washed her hair and cleaned her body and got her out of the tub.  I told her to go get dressed and then I went and got in the shower myself.  I remember her trying to tell me something outside my bathroom and I couldn't hear her and I was so frustrated.  I got out of the shower and opened the door and yelled at her that I just needed five minutes to shower.  She looked up at me and said, "but mom my head itches."  I looked in her hair and I had forgotten to wash ...

"An identity would seem to be arrived at by the way in which the person faces and uses his experience." -James Baldwin I was supposed to do this prompt yesterday but to be honest New Years Day was a bit hard for me for all the reasons I talked about in my previous post.  I stayed busy with my husband organizing random sections of the house.  Then I was able to go to a support group for people who have experienced infant loss, miscarriage, etc.  It was really helpful and I've been thinking about it all day today.  It was also really emotionally draining.  We all had such heavy hearts but I think everyone felt comforted that as we talked we all understood each other.   It was really refreshing to hear others express thoughts that I had that I've been scared to share with others because they sound crazy.  Thoughts like "I wish I had died with this baby."  I feel like anyone that hasn't felt this loss would think we were all suicid...

"Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us." -Oscar Wilde It's New Years Eve today.  Today has been hard.  I'm pretty sure I write that every day but today has been more so.  I went to breakfast with a friend and I enjoyed the time with her but came home feeling heavy.  I kept trying to push through.  I wanted to do something the kids would enjoy and I had errands I had to do.  Now I'm curled up in bed not wanting to do anything more.  Today I wasn't gentle with myself but I've felt so guilty my children are stuck in this home with a mother who can't seem to stop crying and who isn't completely present.  I wasn't expecting to day to be hard but watching on social media as everyone has recapped their year made me look back at this last year.  Everyone seems to be excited about the future year and I'm not.  I don't want to move forward without my baby.  I don't want to move further in time because it's lik...

" We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. " Kenji Miyazawa Today I got out the to do list.  I was making my way through it, keeping busy.  While running I was watching a show and a certain song just sent me reeling.  It wasn't even about miscarriage or anything related but the feeling of the song just triggered the sadness in me and I cried through the rest of my running.  It seems like each day is getting a bit easier but I still get caught off guard by the enormity of the emotions.  It's like each day I get a reminder that my baby did die and it's like I am experiencing hearing those words, "there is no heartbeat" all over again.  I think during the rest of the day I can make it through the day pretending like it was all a bad dream.  But then something reminds me that wave of grief covers me.   Today I think I'm prepared to write about yesterdays prompt.  I'm going to combine it with today's prompt....

"Seeing is always an act of courage." -Marty Rubin Today is Sunday.  Sunday's are always hard.  This Sunday after church I peeked in my book to see what I was going to write about.  The first words I read were, "Your developing baby has died."  I closed the book and curled up on my bed and laid there for a few hours.  My husband came and laid with me but it's taken me a few hours after getting out of bed to actually want to come and do this.  Especially with those as the first words.   Before I get into my prompt I want to kind of explain why Sundays are hard for me right now.  I've always kind of envied those people that when they go through trials their first instinct is to turn to God.  I feel like I've been getting better at that but this time it's been hard for me.  With my second miscarriage I feel like I really did that.  I tried to lean on my Savior and I think it was an easier experience for me than the ...

"Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that bring you peace." -Buddha One thing that I've struggled with and I know many others that have miscarried early in their pregnancy is what to call your loss.  Even saying "my loss" sounds wrong to me.  It sounds too inhuman. Today's prompt is about what words you will and won't use when describing your "loss".   I had an amazing general doctor helping me through this whole process.  He is my general doctor and I'll call him Dr. C. for privacy issues.  Dr. C. was the most compassionate and concerned doctor I've ever had.  I've seen him through all three of my miscarriages.  Each time he reminded me that what was happening wasn't my fault and that there was nothing I could have done that would have hurt the baby.  The thing that I really loved about Dr. C. is he that he never called my baby by all the medical terms the ultrasound tech and my OBGYN called her.  Wor...